


of universities and complicated life crisis

by afflatus



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Lots of parties, M/M, Multi, References to Depression, Slice of Life, everyone loves mark lee, maybe slightly rated, no fixed pov, some characters may be assholes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-04-23 07:19:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 39,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19146202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflatus/pseuds/afflatus
Summary: University.Everyone says it is the most important time of your life; you meet new people, you experience new things and you become someone new. It shapes you and your future.University of Seoul, the most prestigious university in South Korea, is, no doubt, filled with fun, drama, tears and parties. Having scored a scholarship to attend this remarkable university, Huang Renjun sets on a journey to the new chapter of his life where he is far away from his family. He expects life to be boring; books, books, more books, exams, exams and more exams.It is totally not what he expects.In fact, it is way too different.A story filled with complicated love issues, screwed up life problems, fucked up people and chaotic mess ensues.Maybe, university may not be the best time of your life, after all.





	1. one. university of seoul

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this story is inspired by how i'm about to go off to university soon and then I just want to write a messy story with all the NCT members in it and 00 liners as freshmen. also, take note that this story has 2933983 things going on at once so I won't be sticking to one pov because everyone has their own story.

* * *

  _Renjun_

* * *

 

Beautiful.

That is the first word that comes into Huang Renjun’s mind as soon as he steps down from the airplane which has just landed in Seoul, the capital city of South Korea. There is nothing special about Seoul, really. It is not that it is the best city to live in, no, not really; he has already heard all about the sexism that occurs, the corruption that this city indulges in and all the other rumours that may or may not have been true.

However, Renjun still thinks that this city is truly beautiful. Perhaps, it is the way he saw the sunrise outside the plane’s window that caused him to fall in love with Seoul. He has always been a sucker for sunrise and sunset, so, it is of no surprise, really.

Renjun falls into step with his best friend of ten years, Liu Yangyang, who is already walking ahead of him with no care in the world. It is not Yangyang’s first time on an airplane so he is able to walk with ease, his eyes scanning the signs trying to look for the luggage collection counter. Yangyang comes from a wealthy family and he always travels back and forth from Germany to China as he has relatives in both countries. That explains his ease. Sometimes, Renjun envies Yangyang’s luxurious life but he has learnt to be content with what he has so he pushes that feeling away.

They are not the only people from China who has come all the way to Seoul, though. In fact, there are others with the same intention as them; to pursue their studies in University of Seoul, the most prestigious university in the country. Truth be told, Renjun has never thought that he would be able to study there, not in a million years. Fortunately for him, he managed to become the valedictorian in his high school and, thus, was offered a scholarship.

Renjun is grateful for it, really.

(But that does not mean he loves the fact that he has to live miles away from his family. Seoul is beautiful but he already misses his parents.)

As soon as everyone has claimed their baggage, they make their way outside of the airport where their seniors are waiting for them. Renjun follows suit and takes in a deep breath. He truly hopes that this is the best for him. It is going to be difficult. Everyone tells him that he would face a lot of turbulences here and it is going to be a lot worse because he will not have his parents with him for comfort, at the end of the day. It is going to suck but he guesses that he has to make the most of it.

Renjun shakes his thoughts off and proceeds to board the bus that has been provided by their seniors. The summer heat is making him sweat and he really hates sweating. At least, the bus is air-conditioned so it relieves the heat a little. It is time to go to his new home now. He hopes that his housemates would be kind. It would really suck if he ends up with shitty housemates. That is the worst thing that could happen to anyone who is studying overseas.

“Renjun, I’m so excited,” Yangyang exclaims loudly as soon as he takes a seat next to him.

Renjun flinches due to the loudness of his best friend’s voice. He was too immersed in his own thoughts that he did not realise that Yangyang is already seated next to him.

“I miss China already,” Renjun replies drily, not matching his best friend’s enthusiasm. Seoul is beautiful, don’t get him wrong, but it is not _home_.

“Don’t be a fucking baby,” Yangyang chastises, not cruelly, but in a teasing way. “It’s a new chapter in life, Ren. We’re going to college right here in Seoul. I heard that the parties in our university are really wild, by the way, so we totally need to snag an invite to one. I can’t wait to meet new people and make new friends. I want to experience _everything_.”

The former valedictorian simply smiles as his best friend goes on about his excitement and whatnot. Renjun really wonders where Yangyang gets his energy from. They literally just got off the plane twenty minutes ago and most people are grumpy and irritable. Of course, Yangyang, being Yangyang, just talks and talks and talks, as if they were the only two people in the bus.

Renjun lowkey wishes that he would shut up because his head is beginning to hurt.

***

FS. Short for Foreign Swaggers.

That is the name of the apartment that Renjun is going to live in, from now onwards. He has no absolute idea who named the apartment that and he definitely does not want to know the reason behind the name. Frankly, Renjun was mildly disappointed when he found out that he would not be living with his best friend. Yangyang has been his pillar of support for years. He is a sense of familiarity that Renjun desperately needs, especially since he is away from his hometown now. He soon got over it, though. It is not like he depends on Yangyang a lot. It has always been him who takes care of Yangyang instead. He surely can survive on his own, right? Besides, Yangyang lives in the apartment above him so it would be fine.

His roommate is a guy who has high cheekbones and a sweet smile on his lips. He is from Canada but Korean blood does run in his veins. “Mark Lee,” he introduces himself as soon as Renjun steps inside the apartment. Renjun simply responds with his name too and discreetly checks out the apartment.

The apartment is bigger than he thought it would be. There are three rooms, a living room and a small kitchen that Renjun has already aimed to use as frequently as he can. It is messier than he likes, though, but he does not comment anything on it. That would be rude. The living room’s table has leftovers from McDonald’s and a bottle of Coke on it. Two shirts, one grey and the other one blue, drape over one of the arms of the sofa. If Renjun takes a closer look at the windows, he would see that they are covered in dust.

Mark leads the way to their room which is on the left. “It’s the biggest room in the house,” he explains as Renjun puts his suitcases on one side of the room. Inside, there is a bunk bed pushed to the left side of the room, a study table, a shelf that is filled with so many books and a wardrobe. “You’re going to have to buy your own closet, laundry bag and study table. I probably won’t be able to take you out to buy them so you have to ask Johnny instead. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Yuta occupies the middle room while Johnny’s room is on the right. They’re our other housemates. They’re really friendly so you don’t have to worry about them. Also, Yuta barely spends his time at home because he’s, uh, busy, I guess.”

For a foreigner, Mark is awfully good at speaking Korean. He speaks too much and Renjun wonders if all of the university students are as friendly as him. Luckily, Renjun is confident in his Korean too so he knows that he will have no problem in communicating with Mark or anyone else.

“University of Seoul is a really big community but us, foreigners, always stick together. We have one another’s backs so you don’t have to be scared about coming to us for help, especially me. I’m here for you anytime, Renjun, I want you to know that. So, don’t hesitate to ask us questions or favours, okay?” Mark says with a reassuring smile on his face.

Renjun nods his head. “Thanks,” he replies. He hesitates for a moment because he thinks that he should say something else but Mark beats him to it.

“Hey, I hope you brought party-appropriate clothes with you because we tend to party a lot here. I mean, you could always stay at home, but, well, only _nerds_ do that and, trust me, you don’t want to be a nerd in this university because they’re all a bunch of stuck-up assholes who think that they’re better than everyone. I mean, yeah, I have nerd friends but, like, they tend to look down on partygoers and have practically no life other than studying.”

The Chinese winces a little because he feels like Mark is basically describing him but, of course, he does not say that out loud. Instead, he says, “I don’t really have that many clothes with me.”

That stops Mark from talking for a moment. Then, he looks at Renjun from head to toe and smiles. “Well, you can always borrow mine. Speaking of which, I’m throwing Taeyong a birthday party next Monday. You definitely have to come. The first week after your orientation is very important because it decides which social class you belong to. Make your appearance at the party. Bring along some friends too. I’ll text you the time and location later. Oh, speaking of which, what’s your phone number? Here, put it inside my phone.” Mark tosses his phone towards Renjun. The latter catches it and starts typing his number. “You’ll probably get your new SIM card later during your orientation but this number works for now. You have Whatsapp, don’t you?”

Renjun nods in response, feeling slightly overwhelmed by Mark’s friendliness. His roommate talks to him as if they have known each other for a long time. It is a good thing but Renjun is an introvert who is awkward with new people at first. He needs more time before he could feel comfortable enough to talk more. He hands the phone back to the Canadian male.

“You have to be ready in ten minutes, Renjun. They’re picking you up soon to bring you to our clubhouse. Bring what you need for the next five days because your orientation is about to start,” Mark tells him as soon as he keeps his phone inside his pocket.

The Chinese male smiles and takes a hold of his hand luggage. He has already prepared all his stuff for the orientation inside there. “I’m all good,” he replies.

“Great! That means I can bring you down now. Your entrance test takes place tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good luck. I’m sure you’ll do well, Renjun. You seem like a pretty smart guy.”

“Thanks.”

 ***

University of Seoul, also known as UOS, is the most prestigious university in South Korea. It is known for its good quality of education, especially since they only accept lecturers from well-known certified universities who attend courses after courses about education. Thirty percent of its students consists of foreigners and these foreigners come from different backgrounds, China and Japan dominantly.

For Koreans, they do not need to sit for an entrance test as their qualifications are based on how well they do in SATs. However, for foreigners, they have to sit for an entrance test before they could enter the university. The entrance test aims to reveal their ability in speaking and understanding the Korean language, especially since most lectures will be held in said language except for respective foreign languages. Those who manage to score ninety and above for the test will be able to enter the university immediately while those who score below ninety will have to attend Korean classes. The duration of the classes depends on their scores.

Renjun flips his book and reads the notes he has written on the page. He is quite fluent in Korean, despite living in China. After all, his ethnicity is Korean but his nationality is Chinese. That does not mean that he could relax and slack without studying for the entrance test, though. He knows that he cannot be complacent because that could be his downfall someday.

The university campus is really huge and has a lot of buildings. Each faculty has its own building. All the buildings are arranged in a circle, leaving a huge space in the middle of them. There are wooden tables and benches placed in the Circle (Renjun learns that it is what people call the space). A large umbrella is put in the middle of the table to block its seaters from the sun. Currently, Renjun is sitting on one of the benches alone, studying for his entrance test tomorrow.

As soon as all the new students, Korean and foreigners alike, reached the clubhouse, which is located next to the Faculty of Arts building, the president of SUUS (Student Union of University of Seoul) gave a welcoming speech. The president whose name is Kim Dongyoung (he told them to call him Doyoung, though) welcomed them and assigned everyone to their respective groups. Afterwards, he told them that they would have free time to explore or study for their test the whole day with the condition that everyone has to be back for lunch and dinner and a given curfew of ten at night.

The Chinese male is really thankful for the free time because he still has a lot to revise, what’s with the complicated Korean grammar and trying to gain more vocabularies. Yangyang has chosen to explore the campus first, promising Renjun that he would join him later, that is why the latter is alone.

Well, not anymore.

Suddenly, three Korean guys take a seat with him. Two of them are black-haired while one of them has dyed his hair red. The one who is red-haired sits down next to him while the other two guys sit on their opposite. Renjun recognises them as his groupmates for the whole of their orientation.

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere!” one of the black-haired guys exclaims as his lips form a small pout. Jaemin, Renjun remembers.

Guilt twinges. As soon as Doyoung dismissed everyone, Renjun quickly took off with his books and pencil case to look for a place to study peacefully. It is not that he hates to be around people (he totally does, but he likes to deny it), he just wants to concentrate better.

“Sorry, I need to study for tomorrow’s test,” Renjun says in response, not really meaning his apology.

The red-haired male whose name is Donghyuck rolls his eyes at the statement. “Your Korean is already good enough. I wouldn’t worry, if I were you. I once took the test online last year and scored hundred over hundred,” he says flippantly.

The other black-haired male, Jeno, lets out a loud snort. “That’s because you’re _Korean_ , dumbass,” he points out.

“Touché,” Donghyuck grins. Then, he turns to Renjun. “But, really, you don’t need to study that hard. You’ll be fine.”

“Besides, you still have twenty-one hours left to study. Take a break and talk to us,” Jaemin chimes in.

“We’d like to get to know you better. I mean, we’re groupmates, after all,” Jeno adds.

Renjun hesitates for a moment. He takes a look at the time on his watch and sees that it is only twelve at noon. He has been studying for the past two hours so he guesses that he could afford an hour break before going back to revising. Taking breaks is not an issue for him, though. Socialising is. He has never fared well in social gatherings and does not intend to make many friends in university. They would only distract him from his main goal; study, study, study, do well in exams and get the fuck out of here. Seoul is beautiful, really, but he would rather spend his time here as a vacation.

The three guys seem to take his silence as agreement. Donghyuck immediately snatches his book away and closes it.

“Tell us, what do you plan to major in?” Jeno asks.

“Medicine,” Renjun answers quietly. Gasps can be heard when the other three guys hear his reply.

“Damn, smartass,” Jaemin whistles.

Renjun shakes the compliment off. He does not want to come off as the nerd that Mark described earlier even though he might be one. “What about you guys?”

Jeno smiles. His eyes crinkle when he smiles and Renjun cannot help but think that this is the most beautiful smile that he has ever seen. “We went to School of Performing Arts Seoul together so it’s only right that we’re going to major in Dance,” he announces excitedly.

“You forgot to mention that I plan to major in Music too,” Donghyuck quips, causing Jeno to roll his eyes again in mock annoyance.

Renjun turns to look at Donghyuck in admiration. “Double major, wow,” he comments. “Now, who’s the smartass?” He shoots Jaemin a look. The latter simply laughs.

“Shut up, you flatter me,” the red-haired male says without any real bite in it.

“Yeah, your ego is already big enough,” Jeno teases. Donghyuck simply leans forward and flicks his forehead. Jeno retaliates by trying to smack his arm but Donghyuck manages to pull his arm away quickly and Jeno inadvertently ends up smacking the table instead.

“Fuck,” he cusses as he shakes his hand. “That fucking hurts, dipshit.”

“Serves you right,” Donghyuck taunts airily, causing Jaemin to burst into laughter.

Renjun watches them, feeling amused. He can see that the three of them are close friends. They went to the same high school, after all, and will be going to the same university too. It is only natural for them to joke around like this. In fact, he and Yangyang are like this too. Whenever Yangyang annoys him, Renjun always makes sure to put him in a chokehold as revenge.

“Where do you live, by the way?” Jaemin asks as soon as Jeno and Donghyuck have settled down.

“FS.”

That causes Donghyuck to turn his head and look at the Chinese male with interest clear in his eyes. “I take it that you’re rooming with Mark Lee?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Uh, yeah,” Renjun replies, suddenly feeling awkward again.

“Damn, Mark Lee is, like, the current hottest guy on campus right now,” Donghyuck tells him informatively, as if it is an important fact that everyone should be aware of.

“Not surprising, considering the fact that he lives with _Johnny_ and _Yuta_. Not to mention that he’s practically Taeyong’s favourite junior,” Jeno adds on.

“Living and hanging out with popular people will get you popular too,” Jaemin shrugs. “You can’t deny that he’s quite cute and friendly with everyone. I swear, _everyone_ loves him. Even the _nerds_.” His tone is dripped with distaste as soon as he says the word ‘nerds’ and Renjun wonders why everyone seems to be against nerds here. This is, after all, the most prestigious university in South Korea. Obviously, everyone is a nerd, right?

He voices his thoughts out loud and immediately regrets it as soon as the three guys look at one another and burst into peals of laughter.

“Dude,” Jeno wheezes, trying to calm himself down.

“Fuck, I forgot that foreigners are probably not familiar yet with the customs here,” Jaemin laughs.

Renjun raises his eyebrow questioningly in confusion.

“Okay, look, you see, we may be new students here but we know a lot of gossip and how things work. We have connections and by we, I mean, me, myself and I,” Donghyuck boasts. Jeno and Jaemin roll their eyes simultaneously.

“By connections, you mean, Mark,” Jeno snorts.

“Don’t be jealous that I’m practically best friends with your ex,” the red-haired male rebuts.

“You know Mark personally?” Renjun asks Donghyuck. Then, he turns to look at Jeno. “And you dated Mark?”

Jeno shrugs. “It was three years ago. Old story. We ended on good terms, though,” he waves it off. “ _Someone else_ here has a crush on him.”

Jeno and Donghyuck look at each other knowingly as Jaemin glares at them, the betrayal clear in his eyes. “Oh God, why the fuck do I put up with you two dumbasses?” he exclaims. He is obviously upset by the revelation. Renjun gets it. He and Jaemin just met today and now he knows one of the latter’s secrets. Of course, Jaemin is bound to be upset.

“I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry,” Renjun assures quickly, trying to calm the tense atmosphere.

“Good,” Jaemin huffs.

“So, I take it that all of you are coming to the party Mark’s throwing for Taeyong?” Renjun asks, changing the subject.

“Of course, we are. I’d totally disown Mark if he doesn’t invite me,” Donghyuck replies. “And, to answer your question, yes, I’m really good friends with Mark. He went to our high school too, that’s how we know him.”

Renjun blinks blankly. “But I thought he’s a foreigner.”

“He is,” Jeno affirms. “His family moved here when he was six years old.”

 _That explains why_ , the Chinese male thinks to himself. He takes a look at the time on his watch and sees that it is almost one in the afternoon. Conversation over. He has to go back to his books now.

“Alright, I think that’s enough chitchat. I really need to study now.”

“Have fun!” Donghyuck chirps teasingly.

“Good luck for tomorrow,” Jeno says.

“We’ll talk more after you’re done with your entrance test,” Jaemin adds.

Then, the three of them stand up from the bench, leaving Renjun alone with his books once again. It seems like he has managed to make friends with a few Koreans here.

*** 

Renjun soon finds out that there are two ways how people can be popular in University of Seoul.

The number of students who study in the university is large, probably more than a thousand, and yet, there are a few people whose name when uttered, people would immediately recognise them without a doubt. Lee Taeyong is one of those people. Renjun knows that Taeyong’s birthday party would be the party of the year, especially since it is Mark Lee, the current hottest guy on campus as Donghyuck claimed, who is organising it.

The thing about Renjun is, he dislikes parties. He hates crowds and drunk people. Although he hates those things, he knows that he would be forced to attend the birthday party because he does not want to hurt his roommate’s feelings. He does not even know Taeyong personally so he honestly has no idea why he should attend it.

Lee Taeyong.

His name has been uttered a lot by people, seniors and juniors alike. Renjun gets why. Taeyong has the face of a Greek God with eyes that blaze with passion, a sharp jawline and a lithe body. Needless to say, Taeyong is the most handsome man that Renjun has ever seen in his whole life. When he dances, like right now, it takes people’s breath away because his movements are sharp and precise and he brings every dance step to a whole new meaning because you can see that he loves dancing, that this is his _passion_ , that this is what he would love to do for the rest of his life.

The entrance test earlier was pretty easy, if Renjun has to be completely honest. Of course, he keeps his mouth shut and simply smiles whenever people ask, “How was the paper?” Typical question. He does not want to come off as boastful and so, he decides not to say anything about it. Two hours after the test, the orientation officially began.

It started with the hosts, Johnny and Jaehyun, introducing themselves. Then, they introduced SUUS’s hierarchy and how it works. Kim Doyoung is the president, making him the representative of all Korean students. Any complaints or issues regarding the university will have to go through him first before he brings up the issues to the higher-up, the university board. Qian Kun, a Chinese, is the vice-president, hence, the representative for all foreigners. He plays the same role as Doyoung, only that Doyoung has the final say for every single decision after listening to the council of SUUS’s members. After that, Renjun has decided to zone out because he deems it as insignificant. He does not intend to be one of the members, anyway, so it does not matter.

That is one of the ways people could easily become popular. Being in the student union ensures that everyone knows who you are.

Then, they played an ice breaking game so that all the new students would be able to get closer to one another. Renjun did not particularly enjoy playing games but having Jaemin, Jeno and Donghyuck as his groupmates made him feel amused because of their crazy antics.

Afterwards, it was time for the performance. Kun is currently playing the piano while Taeyong is dancing to the music. It is a slow song and Renjun feels amazed by his dancing skills because it is not often that one could pull off graceful moves in a slow deliberate way.

“Damn, he’s so hot,” Donghyuck, beside him, whispers.

“You have a boyfriend, Hyuck,” Jeno reminds wryly.

“No, I don’t,” the red-haired male retorts but Jeno simply gives him a pointed look.

As the two of them argue, Renjun and Jaemin keep their eyes focused on Taeyong. Then, the piano stops and Taeyong freezes; he is standing with his legs slightly apart as his body is slanted. He is looking to his right, leaving everyone with the view of his jawline that sculpts his face. Everyone gives a round of applause to the amazing performance. Taeyong simply remains in his current position.

The performance is far from over. Music begins to play through the speakers. It is a pop song, Renjun realises. He has heard it before but could not remember the title. This time around, Taeyong is not alone. Four people have joined him and they stand, forming a triangle with Taeyong in the center. It is no longer a slow dance but a fast beat one.

Renjun recognises Mark as one of the four people while he has never seen the other three. He nudges Donghyuck lightly and asks him.

Donghyuck, the king of gossips, grins at him and starts describing each and every one of them. The one with slightly long hair is Nakamoto Yuta, his other housemate. Renjun nods and continues watching in awe as the five dancers change their position and formation. Then, one of them does a flip and the audience goes wild.

“That’s Dong Sicheng,” Donghyuck tells him. “He goes by Winwin, though. It’s a nickname that sticks since high school.”

The formation shifts again. This time, the five of them stand in a straight row before Taeyong, Yuta, Mark and Winwin part, as if to make way for the only one left. The other four stay in their spots and the one in the middle starts his breakdance.

“That’s the best dancer in University of Seoul,” Donghyuck says, his voice is filled with admiration. “His name is Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul. Everyone calls him Ten instead because his name is way too long.”

The Chinese male opens his mouth to say something in response but Jaemin suddenly interrupts, “I thought Ten hates Yuta and Taeyong? Isn’t this like the first time he performs with them?”

Renjun arches an eyebrow while Donghyuck shrugs. “Don’t know.”

“What happened between them?” Renjun asks simply because he wants to keep the conversation going.

“Honestly, Renjun,” Jeno answers, instead, “no one exactly knows.”

Renjun does not say anything in return and decides to focus on the performance. He knows now why Lee Taeyong is very popular. With his given face and him being a dancer who frequently performs during events, everyone is bound to know who he is.

That is also how people could become popular here. Be a performer; most dance majors tend to perform onstage to show off their skills.

Yup. Lee Taeyong’s birthday party is definitely going to be wild.

*** 

Renjun finally gets what people mean by _nerds_ on his third day in Seoul.

UOS’s clubhouse is just a big hall located in the SUUS’s building which is right next to the Faculty of Arts building. It is placed on the second floor and this is where any student of UOS could hang out. They could reserve the place online if they ever want to throw a party or conduct an event or hold study groups and tuition sessions. The floor is carpeted and the hall is air-conditioned to ensure the students’ comfort. There are two washrooms located at the back of the hall; one for male students and the other one for female students. The hall is where all the male students have to sleep at during the orientation while the female students sleep on the third floor where the library is located.

So far, the orientation has been really great and Renjun finds himself growing closer to his groupmates, especially when they are tasked to do ludicrous things. He cannot help but laugh every time Jeno makes a fool of himself or when Jaemin says flirty stuff purposely to tease the former or when Donghyuck yells excitedly during games in order to boost their group’s morale. It is safe to say that their group’s dynamics are great and they are definitely the most chaotic group ever.

Unexpectedly, Renjun finds himself enjoying the moment despite having his phone taken. The seniors who organise the orientation took their phones on their first day because they want the new students to bond without the distraction of technology. It is a tradition, they say.

“You know when we first saw you at the Circle studying alone, we were worried you might be a nerd,” Donghyuck says bluntly as they eat their lunch together. They are having cold noodles which have been provided for by the committee members of the orientation. Renjun honestly loves the taste of it and decides that he might try to learn how to make it.

“But you turn out to be unexpectedly cool,” Jeno says, smiling his infamous eye-smile.

Renjun snorts quietly to himself. “I still don’t get what you mean by nerds,” he replies.

Jaemin laughs and reaches out to pat the Chinese male’s shoulder, not unkindly. “I’ll give you one example of a nerd. Kim Doyoung.”

Renjun suddenly coughs and starts choking on his food as soon as he hears Jaemin’s words. He does not expect Jaemin would say that the president of SUUS is a nerd. Doyoung seems like someone responsible and capable and not someone who would be bullied.

“Why?” Renjun croaks out as soon as he manages to calm himself down after drinking water.

“He hates everyone,” Donghyuck shrugs. “He thinks he’s superior to everyone else and treats people like dirt simply because he could.”

“Makes you wonder how he became the president, doesn’t it?” Jeno muses thoughtfully.

Jaemin leans forward and lets his voice drop, not wanting anyone else to hear what he is about to say. “I heard that it’s because Taeyong publicly made it known that he was going to vote for Doyoung and his fans simply followed along.”

The red-haired guy frowns before shaking his head. “What I heard is different, though,” he interjects. “I heard that his parents bribed the management to let him be the president. His parents are filthy rich, after all.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not a good president, though,” Jeno says, unexpectedly coming to Doyoung’s defence, causing Renjun to raise an eyebrow quizzically. “I mean, I heard that almost everything has been going on smoothly ever since Doyoung became president. They say that the system has improved tremendously.”

“Do you think he’ll come to Taeyong’s birthday party?” Jaemin wonders out loud, tilting his head to the side slightly.

Donghyuck shrugs. “Beats me. He might, though. Everyone knows Doyoung has a soft spot for Taeyong. Not to mention that _Mark’s_ the one organising it and he has a bigger soft spot for that guy.”

“Ah, typical of Mark Lee; _always_ catching everyone’s attention and becoming their favourite,” Jeno laughs.

Then, everyone turns to look at Jaemin as soon as Mark is brought up. Jaemin rolls his eyes in mild annoyance and flips them off, causing everyone to crack up.

Afterwards, Renjun begins to observe Doyoung’s interactions with people. He can see that most people are intimidated by the president’s mere presence. He guesses it is because Doyoung’s eyes are hard to read and they tend to narrow when he is obviously unpleased about something. He barely smiles, only when necessary. He is a no-nonsense kind of person.

Nerds here are not the nerds in high schools, he realises. They are not nerds who get bullied for being smart. They are nerds who know their priorities and get the things they need to complete _done_ , whatever it takes. They do not attend parties not because they are not invited but because they think that they are better than everyone else and sees no use to socialise with people of lesser being. They have no patience for faux friendliness and fake friendships and hypocrites.

Damn.

Huang Renjun has a feeling that he might end up being a nerd someday.

 

 


	2. two. broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! this story will slowly take a dark turn because people are fucked up but i'm still tryna make it light and introduce to all of you the issues the characters have so yeah. do leave kudos and comments!

* * *

  _Jaemin_

* * *

 

Na Jaemin has a huge problem.

Here is the thing about Jaemin: he is bad at emotions. Like, really bad. Anything to do with feelings and heart to heart talks and being honest about what he feels, he would change the topic and run away from the issue. It is not like he means to do that. No, not really. He just hates confrontations.

He is a paradox, to be really honest.

Jaemin absolutely abhors confrontations and arguments but he tends to get into those often. He is stubborn so he often finds himself in situations where he is forced to stand up for himself and try his best to get his way. He is also willing to fight for what he stands for. However, when it comes to his own problems and his own emotions, he does not know how to deal with those. So, he runs away like the coward he is.

Growing up in an emotionally neglectful environment probably does not help in his emotional development, either. His parents are separated. At a young age of eight, Jaemin knew that his parents had a lot of issues regarding each other. He still remembers the days he spent hugging his knees to his chest while leaning against the wall at the corner of his room as his parents yelled at each other. He still remembers the distinct sound of his father’s loud booming voice, his mother’s sobs and the plates, glasses and anything fragile breaking.

And along with it, his heart too.

Although he comes from a broken family, Jaemin really tries his best to keep his demons at bay. He covers up his tears with a fake beautiful smile on his face. He puts on a façade and convinces everyone that this is him; the guy with a lot of enthusiasm and flirty words. He pretends like everything is perfect, as if _he_ were perfect. Even Jeno and Donghyuck do not know his situation at home.

It feels almost peaceful for him to pretend like he is someone that he is not. It makes him feel in control when people see him for the beauty that he is and not the wounds and scars that his parents inflicted on him every single time he heard the yelling. However, late at night, when he closes his eyes and hears the arguments inside his head, when there is no one to keep him _sane_ , Jaemin falls victim to his own demons.

At a tender age of twelve, his mother had finally had enough of the fights, of the cheating, of the broken ceramics on the floor, of the house that no longer felt like home. It happened too suddenly. It was late at night, an hour after one of his parents’ brutal fights. His father had left the house in order to drown his sorrows in alcohol and possibly finding someone new to get laid with, like he always did every time things went wrong.

During that night, Jaemin lay in his bed, trying his best to blink his tears away. He listened to the sound of his mother throwing her clothes into her suitcase in the next room. He knew that this was it. This was the end to the tragic love story of his parents. (Could it really be called a love story, though, if there is no love involved in the first place?) His mother was not going to stay. Having come to that realisation, Jaemin turned to face the wall when his mother opened the door to his room, probably to say goodbye.

“ _You’re leaving_ ,” Jaemin said flatly to his mother, refusing to look at her.

“ _Yes_ ,” she had answered. Her voice was filled with so much desperation and pain that Jaemin had to bite his lower lip hard in order not to cry. He could almost feel the copper taste of blood on his tongue.

“ _Why?_ ” he asked, a child so innocent and pure to the cruelty of the world.

A pause ensued. “ _When the person that you once loved with the whole of your heart hurts you to the very core, hurts you to the point of no return, you’ll eventually grow tired of it. You’ll eventually find yourself craving for a better life with a better man with a better future_ ,” she replied softly.

 _With a better child_ , Jaemin’s mind supplies. He thinks back about the time when he was a toddler. He remembers the affection in his parents’ eyes for him, for each other. Perhaps, they did love each other once upon a time. Not anymore, he guesses.

“ _I can’t take you with me, Jaemin, because your father will, no doubt, win the custody. He is a powerful man in this country, after all, and this country is really corrupted. You may not understand the situation right now but one day you will_ ,” his mother whispered softly.

At a tender age of twelve, Jaemin understood, though. He understood that his mother wanted something better for herself, something that his father was not able to give her, for some reason. He understood what she meant by wanting a better life when the person that she loved hurt her.

After all, he loved his parents with the whole of his heart and they hurt him over and over again, whether they realised it or not. He wanted a better life too.

“ _I don’t want to come with you, anyway_ ,” Jaemin responded, then. He heard the choked sob that his mother let out as his words broke her heart into pieces. He closed his eyes as he heard the door click shut behind him. He meant it with every single bone inside his body. He did not want his mother’s _better life_. He wanted his own and he would create it with his own bare hands, if needed to.

Two hours after his mother had left, Jaemin found himself unable to sleep so he went out of his room only to start cleaning up all the broken pieces of glasses, frames and plates on the floor of the living room. His father was still not around so he picked up all the broken pieces by himself and vowed to pick up all of _his_ broken pieces by himself.

Jaemin could not find it in him to hate his mother because she simply was doing what was best for herself. He also could not exactly hate his father when his father had done nothing wrong to him. His father has been providing him with the luxury that he has now. He tried his best to be a good parent after his mother had left.

In spite of that, Jaemin resented them. He resented them so much with the whole of his being and hated himself for it. He still does.

So, here is the thing: Na Jaemin is guarded. He takes his parents’ miserable love story as a lesson for him. He does not believe in love because nothing lasts forever, anyway. If the bliss of falling in love is temporary and what comes after is only pain, he would rather not experience it at all. One simply cannot miss what they do not experience, right?

But Jaemin’s problem comes in the form of a guy with high cheekbones and a bright smile that has never failed to light up any room that he is in. His problem comes in the form of his developing feelings for Mark Lee, the current hottest guy on campus, like Donghyuck likes to say. Honestly, Jaemin does not know how it happens. In fact, Mark and he belong to different social groups.

Back in high school, Mark was in the popular crowd, always being the centre of attention. It was widely known that a lot of people had a crush on him. Even right now, in university, Mark is still popular.

As for Jaemin, he would not say that he is not popular, per se. Everyone knows him as the son of a famous entrepreneur. He just enjoys keeping things lowkey. Even though he is best friends with Donghyuck, the king of all gossips, his life is pretty chill and relaxing. He does not get into major dramas, like how Jeno had a fallout with the most popular girl in their school because he dumped her, or how Donghyuck had gotten into a fistfight with one of their classmates and was suspended for a week, as a result. Even when people attempted to confess to him, he would reject them politely with a sweet smile on his face that made it impossible for them to hate him. Occasional arguments occur but that only happen with his best friends, namely Jeno and Donghyuck, never with anyone else. And even then, they would always make up within an hour or two, no longer than that.

It started with them being acquaintances, if he has to be honest. Both of them were in the student council back when Mark was a senior and Jaemin was a junior in high school. They worked together for a short while and that was that. Then, the old student council Whatsapp group became active one day after Mark had graduated and a lot of teasing happened and Jaemin found himself exchanging witty remarks with Mark. Afterwards when the group died down, he thought it would stop there.

Apparently not.

Three months ago, Mark suddenly private messaged him on Whatsapp, wishing him good luck for his upcoming exams and telling him that he would probably excel, as usual. It came as a surprise because Jaemin did not think that he was in _Mark Lee’s_ league. Nevertheless, he replied and the two of them hit it off quite well.

Truth be told, Jaemin had never been interested in Mark’s life. He only knew him as that popular guy who dated his best friend. Mark was that guy whom he knew of, but never knew him personally. He honestly expected Mark to be the kind of person who would be egoistic and asshole-like. He thought Mark would be the kind of person who had the toxic masculinity mentality. However, having talked to him personally made him realise that Mark is definitely not the person he thought he was.

In fact, Mark Lee is so much _more_.

Perhaps, Jaemin has a crush on him because he is everything that Jaemin is not. He still remembers how he managed to start liking Mark. The attraction has always been there because Mark is a cute guy with a charming personality. But it has never become anything more. He used to be just an eye candy.

It all changed the moment Mark talked to him about his summer job while waiting for university classes to start. Mark told him about his experience teaching little kids how to dance. Jaemin felt his heart swell in fondness because the love that Mark bears for his small students until now is clear from the way he talked about them.

Jaemin has never been a soft-hearted person but seeing how much Mark loves the kids, he has to admit that it makes something inside of him flutter.

 _How could someone be capable of that much love inside of him?_ Jaemin finds himself wondering often enough. He is so used to the empty feeling inside his heart that listening to Mark gushing about the kids he taught warms his heart. It is a scary feeling, frankly. Jaemin does not remember the last time he has ever felt this way; so _alive_.

It is the last night of their orientation and Jaemin truly misses Mark. He really wants his phone back soon. Although the two of them do not text each other all the time, they have an ongoing long conversation about everything and nothing at the same time. It is interesting, really, because Jaemin has never texted anyone long paragraphs and send nineteen messages to them at once. He finds it amusing how Mark will always reply with the same energy as him.

So, yes, Na Jaemin has a huge crush on Mark and it has been _three months_. His previous crushes usually lasted for about two weeks.

Jaemin holds back a small sigh as his mind stops thinking about his ongoing problem. He is currently really bored because, right now, the activity is a heart to heart talk. Their seniors are giving them advice while his batchmates share their concerns and fears. He honestly hates talks like this because it is making everyone emotional. Donghyuck who is beside him is already sniffing. Even Renjun’s face looks solemn and Jaemin catches the Chinese male blink back his tears a couple of times. Meanwhile, Jeno is leaning his head on Jaemin’s shoulder as his eyes droop, almost about to fall asleep.

The clock strikes eleven and Jaemin thinks that it is time to wrap this all up. However, he is proven wrong when one of the seniors, Kun, grabs their attention.

“Guys,” he calls out. “I want everyone to listen very carefully because this is really important.”

That causes all the new students to straighten up. Even Jeno lifts his head from Jaemin’s shoulder to pay attention. Jaemin watches on, wondering what this is about.

“I know that everyone is already at that age where they want to find love and feel loved, party until the sun rises and have lots and lots of fun which may involve substances, some of which might even be illegal. It’s inevitable, all of you are adults, after all. However, I do want to point out that everyone is here for one main reason; to study,” the Chinese senior starts saying. “I’m not banning all of you from dating or having fun. By all means, go ahead if you want to do something.”

“My point is,” Kun continues, “I don’t want any of you to fall back on your studies because you’re too busy having fun in university instead of studying like you’re supposed to. I don’t want any of you to fail your exams just because you skip classes due to your hangover. I don’t want any of your concentration to deplete just because you’re heartbroken or distracted. I want you to get your priorities _straight_. Know what is the main goal here.”

A few of the new students nod in agreement while Jaemin refrains himself from rolling his eyes. He has always been good at managing his time and priorities so he doubts that he would have any problem in adapting to the way things work in this university. Besides, he has already decided to go to parties only if he does not have a class the next day.

“Can I add something?” another senior, _Moon Taeil_ , Jaemin’s head supplies, asks. Kun nods his head. “Okay, before I say this, I want everyone to know that I have nothing against the popular crowd,” he clarifies. “My boyfriend is a part of the popular crowd, so, yeah, I do hang out with them, sometimes.”

This time around, Jaemin’s ears perk. He may be a new student but he knows that when people say _the popular crowd_ , it means Mark and his crew which includes Taeyong, Yuta, Johnny, Jaehyun, Winwin and Jungwoo. He knows all of this because Donghyuck has filled him and Jeno in all about the social class in the university and how important it is to get along with them. Jaemin does not necessarily want to be popular. He is very low profile. However, he does not want to be a _nerd_ , either. So, he has decided to be a part of the middle class, where everyone is cool with them and no drama has ever occurred.

“What I want to say is that, you guys need to be careful with them,” Taeil warns, his expression sombre. “They have bets, sometimes. I don’t know who participate in it but they do have bets going around about getting into people’s pants or dating people. So, if you ever get involved with them, don’t put in too much hope that it’ll be something that’ll last because they’re never serious about dating stuff.”

“You’re dating one of them, though,” Donghyuck points out, no longer sniffing as the topic changes towards a more serious feel than emotional. Jaemin knows that Donghyuck is close friends with Mark and, in turn, he has met with the popular crowd before. They get along very well and it is of no doubt that Donghyuck feels protective of them in a way. In fact, Jaemin predicts that Donghyuck would soon be a _part_ of the crowd, considering his connections and personality.

“Johnny and I have been dating before he even became popular,” Taeil answers, shrugging. “Besides, I’m only warning all of you because this has happened more than anyone could count. You can ask all of your seniors or your housemates. They’d tell you the same thing I did.”

It is, then, Jaemin feels a chill on his back. He bites his lower lip. For a moment, he doubts Mark. Could it be that Mark is only talking to him because he is a part of their bet? Then, he turns to Donghyuck who looks visibly upset by this revelation. Even Jeno is frowning while Renjun seems to take the advice seriously.

 _No_.

There is no way that Mark Lee is someone who bets about dating people or getting laid with them. Mark is easily one of the sweetest people Jaemin has ever known. The love that he feels for the kids he taught is sincere. Besides, Mark recently just got out of a relationship, which Jaemin is pretty sure that he is not truly over it yet.

He knows Mark better.

 _Donghyuck_ knows Mark better.

Taeil can say whatever he wants but whoever that he refers to, it is _not_ Mark.

Jeno, who sees the look on Jaemin’s face, immediately takes the latter’s hand and squeezes it lightly to give comfort. Jaemin turns to look at Jeno and smiles gratefully.

 ***

“Did Taeil warn you?” a voice asks.

Jaemin, who has been drinking water while standing up in the kitchen, immediately sputters out the water, coughing in order to catch his breath. He turns to look at the intruder and lets out a small sigh of relief as soon as he sees that it is Jungwoo, his housemate.

“You scared me!” the younger of the two exclaims, almost accusingly. He has just returned to their apartment from the orientation and he did not know that someone else was home.

His senior simply lets out a chortle of amusement at his antics. “I’m sorry,” he apologises although he does not sound apologetic at all. “So, did he?”

“Did who?”

“Taeil.”

“Oh,” Jaemin pauses, not knowing how to answer the question. He considers playing dumb but he knows that Jungwoo would probably see through his bullshit. “He did,” he replies, after a moment of silence.

“Good,” Jungwoo says, nodding his head in approval.

The new student of UOS blinks blankly as soon as he hears the word, trying to process what Jungwoo means by that. “Why is that a good thing?” he questions, tilting his head to the side slightly. “I mean, isn’t he, like, causing people to have a bad impression of you guys?”

Jungwoo smiles sweetly and seems to ponder about it for a moment. “Well, it is to stop you from falling for any of us.”

Jaemin, once again, chokes as soon as he hears the answer. He has always been used to being the one who flirts and not the one being flirted with. He takes in a deep breath to regain his composure as Jaehyun enters the kitchen at that moment. Seeing the smug expression on Jungwoo’s face and the shocked look on Jaemin’s seems to make Jaehyun understand what is going on.

“You’re scaring the kid, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun chides gently, as he brushes past the mentioned guy in order to take a glass of water. Jaemin tries to offer the senior his own water but Jaehyun simply waves him off.

As soon as Jungwoo hears what Jaehyun has said, his lips form a small pout. “I was just teasing him, you jerk,” he responds, defending himself.

“More like terrorising him,” Jaehyun retorts.

If there is one thing that Jaemin really dislikes it is when people talk as if he were not there. So, he decides to muster up his courage to ask, “So, is it true?”

The two seniors turn to face him with arched eyebrows. “Is what true?” they ask back at the same time, then, burst into laughter at their synchronisation.

Jaemin laughs as he sees how they act and shakes his head in disbelief. They may be popular but they surely act like normal friends do. “Is it true that you guys place bets on getting into people’s pants or dating them?”

“Well, that depends on who you’re talking about,” Jaehyun answers.

“Honestly, we’re all just a bunch of fucked up guys who are trying to get through university,” Jungwoo adds.

“Don’t let Taeil fool you, though,” Jaehyun scoffs before taking a sip of his water. “He loves acting like he does not have anything to do with our shit but we all know he’s a part of _the popular crowd_ as much as we are.”

Then, Jungwoo leans forward and his voice drops to an almost whisper. “We were the ones who told him to warn the new batch each year,” he shares.

Jaemin’s mouth falls open, not expecting to hear that. He feels his head begin to hurt due to the confusion that he feels. Does being popular immediately make you complicated? Because these two guys sure as hell are complicated and strange and Jaemin does not know how to react.

“Why?” he manages to croak out finally despite his speechlessness.

“So that people would know not to take us seriously if we flirt with them. We like to flirt around but we don’t want any commitments or expectations. We like dating people only if it is _our_ kind of dating. If they get hurt because they take things seriously, then, it’s their own fault because they have been warned, after all,” Jaehyun explains, leaning against the counter while holding his glass of water in his hand.

“That’s still kind of immoral,” Jaemin comments.

Jungwoo lets out a loud snort as soon as he hears that. Then, he walks closer to Jaemin and smiles teasingly. “Is it, really? Because we always make sure that people know that we’re NSA; no strings attached. They’re the ones who willingly get involved with us, despite knowing that. We don’t lead them on or anything. So, tell me, Jaemin, is it still kind of immoral?” his senior challenges with the sweet smile still on his lips.

The new student keeps quiet, not having an answer to that. Then, Jungwoo chuckles and pats him on the shoulder before turning back to leave the kitchen.

“We’re smooth motherfuckers, after all,” Jaehyun says, causing Jaemin to burst into laughter at the reference to their house’s name; SMF, short for Smooth Motherfuckers.

Great. So, apparently, he lives with flirts. He, himself, is a flirt too. What a fitting name for their house.

 ***

Venti Iced Americano with no water and four espresso shots.

That is usually the drink that he orders in Starbucks, also known as, Jaemin’s Death Drink, according to Donghyuck because “ _no one consumes that much amount of caffeine, Jaem!_ ”. Usually, the baristas who serve him for the first time would be shocked to hear his order but the guy in front of him, _Hendery_ , the name tag says, calmly nods and writes down his name on the cup.

Jaemin does not know when exactly he began to drink his coffee black. Maybe it is because he was influenced by his father who only drinks black coffee at home. Or maybe it is due to the fact that his tongue has never had a taste for sweet things. Nevertheless, every time he goes to Starbucks, he would order this exact drink.

(He goes to Starbucks six times a day ever since junior year in high school started, but don’t tell Donghyuck or Jeno that or it would certainly cause them to nag at him.)

Donghyuck texted them earlier, Renjun included because everyone now regards Renjun as a part of their group, and told them he was bored so they decide to hang out at the nearest Starbucks near the building of their apartments. It is a five-minute walk from there, locating just outside the university campus because university students would obviously require coffee every single day, making it a popular spot. In fact, Jaemin has already spotted a couple of familiar faces.

In the corner of the café where it is hidden from the outside world and by far the cosiest spot, Jaemin sees Yuta and Ten who appear to be talking calmly. Curiosity sparks inside of him because it is widespread among all the students of UOS that Yuta and Ten do not get along well because of their past. He wonders what they are talking about right at this moment but decides to shrug it off because it is none of his business. Besides, Taeyong, Yuta and Ten are a trio who keep their shit private without involving anyone else because they would rather deal with their own issues among themselves with no other parties affected.

On table 24, there are Johnny and Taeil who seem to be out on a date, considering the number of times that the two of them have smiled cheekily and laughed. Then, there is Doyoung who is sitting alone while typing on his laptop on table 16 which is located on the other side of the café, far away from Yuta and Ten.

The barista calls out Jaemin’s name, causing him to snap back to reality. He grabs his drink and smiles at the barista before making his way to where Donghyuck, Jeno and Renjun are already seated. To be completely honest, Jaemin is surprised to see that Renjun is willing to join them but he guesses that the Chinese male must have liked their company. It is clear that Renjun is a reserved person, after all.

Donghyuck makes a loud noise of disgust as soon as he sees Jaemin’s choice of drink. However, the latter simply rolls his eyes, not minding his best friend. “Dude, you have the worst taste in drinks,” Donghyuck comments.

“You don’t see me judging your choice of drinks which happen to be way too sweet most of the time,” Jaemin quips before taking a sip of his coffee. The familiar bitter taste hits his taste buds and he almost sighs in pleasure. Five days of orientation without his favourite drink was definitely torture.

Jeno lets out a soft sigh and Jaemin cracks a smile because he knows that he and Donghyuck have had this argument way too many times. Donghyuck likes his drinks to be sweet. Not normal sweet but _grossly_ sweet. Jaemin shudders at the amount of sugar inside the drinks. Meanwhile, Jaemin likes his drinks to be as bitter as his soul, as he jokingly likes to put it.

The red-haired male opens his mouth to argue but Renjun suddenly leans forward and interrupts, “Guys, who is that?”

Immediately, everyone turns to look at the direction of where Renjun is focusing on, causing the Chinese male to hiss, “Don’t fucking make it obvious!” Much to Renjun’s chagrin, Jaemin notes, everyone blatantly ignores him and tries to see who Renjun meant.

“The tall guy?” Jeno inquires, not realising how loud his voice is.

“Shh!” Renjun scolds, not wanting to get caught. His cheeks are slowly beginning to turn into a shade of pink and Jaemin finds it slightly amusing.

Of course, Jaemin, the ever-so empathetic friend flicks Jeno’s and Donghyuck’s foreheads respectively. “Quit staring,” he says. His two best friends complain but Jaemin does not pay any heed to them. He knows who Renjun was referring to, though. The tall guy has a fair skin and is dressed in a white hoodie with a pair of blue jeans. He is wearing a black cap over his head. He has company and when Jaemin takes a closer look, he sees that it is Kun, the vice president of SUUS.

This definitely has several effects taking place. Jeno’s voice can be heard throughout the whole café. Jaemin sees the moment when everyone turns to look at them and then towards the tall guy, whom he recognises as Wong Yukhei, and Kun. It happens so quick but Jaemin feels like it is in slow motion. He sees the panic that flashes on Yuta’s face. He does not see Ten’s expression, though, because his face is hidden behind Yuta’s. Doyoung looks up from his laptop and his eyes narrow because of the sudden disruption before comprehension dawns on him. Johnny and Taeil simply looks at them before looking away, unbothered.

Jaemin observes everything from the moment Yuta scrambles to his feet and quickly leaves the café and, at the same time, Doyoung’s hand shoots up and the president of SUUS calls out, “Kun, come here for a second.” The black-haired Korean guy does not know what he just witnessed but he guesses that it is something important. He turns to look at Donghyuck who has already stored the information he saw inside his head and is already focused on Renjun once again.

“That’s Wong Yukhei,” Donghyuck answers in a low voice, thankfully. “Everyone just calls him Lucas.” Then, he pauses, as if he is about to add something else but he thinks better of it and decides to keep his mouth shut.

Jaemin knows what it is, though. He has known Donghyuck long enough to know that the latter would happily tell you all the gossip he knows about someone except if it is someone he cares about. For a gossipmonger, Donghyuck is strangely tight-lipped about Mark’s business, except if it has something to do with his popularity and talent. He is even _more_ tight-lipped about his high school boyfriend.

“He’s Mark’s most recent ex,” Jaemin says quietly, looking directly at Donghyuck almost pleadingly. The red-haired male looks back and his gaze does not waver. Here is the strange thing about his best friend. Donghyuck gossips a whole lot. Somehow, he always manages to find out people’s dirt and would not hesitate to use it against them if the situation ever calls for it. He is the smartest person Jaemin has ever known.

Donghyuck enjoys teasing Jaemin about his crush but he has never once hinted at him if he should go on with the crush or not. It is unfair, really, because Donghyuck knows that Jaemin has never liked someone this long and yet he has never revealed what Mark’s true feelings are. The black-haired male is aware that Mark just got out of a relationship six months ago and is probably still harbouring feelings for Lucas, even if Donghyuck does not say it out loud, even if Mark has never shared about his love life. Jaemin knows simply by observing Mark’s social media posts.

In fact, it was Jeno who told him to be careful. Two weeks after Jaemin realised his developing feelings for his best friend’s ex, he told Jeno about it first and apologised profusely because going after your best friend’s ex is a no-no. But Jeno simply waved it off and told him it was cool because he did not have any feelings for Mark anymore.

“ _Be careful, though_ ,” Jeno warned, afterwards. “ _I heard that Lucas and Mark broke up because Mark’s parents didn’t approve of their relationship. His mother wants him to marry a girl to give them an heir to Lee Corporation_.”

Mark Lee is the son of the wealthiest person in Seoul who owns about ten different kinds of businesses that is an ongoing legacy left behind by his great-great grandfather. It is understandable that his parents need an heir after Mark because Mark is their _only_ son. Hence, Jaemin knows that this is why Mark is taking a double major in both Business and Dance. Business because he is bound to take over the company and Dance because that is his passion. Mark is also a member of SUUS which makes him the busiest person Jaemin has ever known.

That is what makes him like him even more. Mark is so hardworking and eager to please his parents as he is a filial son. He has always hated hurting other people and would do his best not to let anyone get hurt. He keeps himself busy and productive most of the time then pushes himself to do his best. Not to mention that he is very hard on himself too.

This is why Jaemin has always thought that Mark is way out of his league and whatever feelings he has for the latter is only setting him up for heartbreak, which is funny, really, because he has no clue what love is, nor does he know what it feels like to fall in love. All he knows is that Mark is cute, funny, hardworking and possibly the sweetest person ever to be alive in this cruel world and that Jaemin’s heart flutters every time they talk.

Na Jaemin is as guarded as he can be but the thought of Mark’s beautiful bright smile and his loud laughter every time someone makes a joke, be it a good one or a bad one, or when he looks shy and embarrassed every time someone compliments him, Jaemin wonders what it feels like to _be with him_. He wants a lot more than he can take and he hates himself for it.

Sometimes, he blames his parents for it. If only his parents’ marriage actually worked out, perhaps, he might not be the person that he is right now. Perhaps, he would not be so afraid of falling in love, of getting his heart crushed, of getting abandoned by the person he loves with the whole of his heart. If only his father had not cheated multiple times, causing the tear tracks on his mother’s beautiful face, maybe Jaemin would still believe in _happily ever after_ , like all fairy tales have. If only his mother had not whored herself out there to his father’s business associates, aiming to embarrass her husband as a form of revenge for his cheating tendencies, he might have still had faith in _true love_.

If only. If only. If only. If only. _If fucking only_.

But Jaemin is who he is; a result of his parents’ one-night stand and shotgun marriage in order to cover up the embarrassment. He is a bastard, an unwanted child. He was only ten years old when he heard his mother say to his father bitterly, “ _I should’ve aborted him the moment I found out I was pregnant after we fucked. I fucking should have. It would save us all from all this pain, wouldn’t it?_ ”

“ _Don’t you fucking dare talk like that_ ,” his father roared, furious. “ _I love Jaemin with all my heart and even if I regret everything that we did to each other, I had never once regretted fucking you that night because it gave me the joy of my fucking miserable life_.”

“Jaem, you’re spacing out,” Jeno’s voice says and Jaemin blinks, not realising that he is too lost in the thoughts inside of his head. He looks down at his right hand which is clenched into a fist tightly, causing his nails to dig deep inside his palms. He opens his palm and sees the crescent moon scars. He takes in a deep breath to calm himself down.

“Jaemin, are you okay?” Renjun asks as his voice is laced with genuine concern. Jaemin wants to say _no_ , he has _never_ been okay. From the moment his parents no longer bothered to hide the fights that were occurring ever since he was eight years old until today, Jaemin is not okay.

You see, Na Jaemin has a problem. His problem comes in the form of a sweet guy with high cheekbones and a bright smile that has never failed to light up any room he is in. His problem comes in the form of his developing feelings for Mark Lee, for someone he can _never_ have.

How fucked up is he to be falling heads over heels for someone that he knows is bound to break his heart because they are not meant to be together?

Jaemin wants to cry, scream and yell. He wants to do anything, really, to let out the misery that he feels inside of him since the moment he first heard the arguments.

Instead, the black-haired male puts on his best fake smile; the one everybody loves. “I’m fine,” he assures. Donghyuck and Jeno are not buying it, though. Jaemin can see it in their eyes. Thus, he diverts the topic away from him.

“So, you have a crush on Wong Yukhei, huh?” he teases, smiling devilishly.

 _This_ , he could do. Na Jaemin; the perfect son of a famous entrepreneur, the flirty one, the enthusiastic one and the one who is beautiful.

 

 


	3. three. party of the year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. I've been listening to señorita by shawn mendes and camila cabello when I wrote this earlier so yeah gotta add it in. do enjoy and leave kudos and comments!

* * *

  _Donghyuck_

* * *

 

It is D-Day.

The day of Lee Taeyong’s birthday party has already arrived. The excitement is practically buzzing in the air as expectations run high. _Party of the year_ , everyone likes to call it. Taeyong is a famous figure in University of Seoul, Donghyuck knows that. Having graduated from School of Performing Arts Seoul and being an influencer on social media platforms such as Instagram and Twitter, it is of no surprise that all the students know him. Not to mention that his good looks have probably played a part in his uprising popularity, causing male and female students alike to fall for him.

The truth is, Taeyong has always been popular, even back in high school. He is an alumnus from School of Performing Arts Seoul and even though Donghyuck has never had the chance to have him as his senior back then, he knows of him. The teachers spoke highly of him and would always show videos of him dancing to set a good example. Donghyuck admires him greatly and sees him as a role model. So, imagine his excitement to be able to come to his 24th birthday party.

Mark told him that Taeyong’s birthday is a hot issue because this would probably be the last time that he would be celebrating his birthday as a student of UOS, seeing that this is his last year in university. End the school year with a bang, everyone says. So, Mark took the duty of organising it despite having a lot of other stuff to do. Donghyuck clicks his tongue at the thought of Mark overworking himself again but he knows that if anyone were to nag at the latter, it would be useless. That guy disregards people’s concern for him all the time, insisting that he would be alright.

(Donghyuck knows that it is a lie, though.)

It is currently seven in the morning when Donghyuck rings the doorbell to the venue of the party. The party has not started yet; it starts at eight at night, but preparations have to be made beforehand. The bungalow in front of him is huge which is not surprising, especially since it is located in Cheongdamdong where all the elites reside. It is Mark’s house, Donghyuck knows as he has come here more than his two hands could count.

Although Donghyuck is not invited to the preparation of the party, he decides to come anyway because he knows that Mark is likely to need an extra helping hand. That guy is always trying to do everything by himself.

The gate makes a click sound, indicating that someone has unlocked it from the inside through the security system and Donghyuck pushes it open and enters. He makes his way through the front yard towards the big bungalow in front of him. The door is wide open so he takes off his shoes and goes inside after placing them right next to where all the other shoes are arranged.

“Hey Donghyuck!” a loud voice greets him from afar. The red-haired male whips his head and smiles as soon as he sees that it is Johnny. Choruses of ‘what’s up’, ‘hi’ and ‘make yourself at home’ could be heard.

“Hey guys,” Donghyuck replies simply and approaches them. After tossing his backpack on the sofa, he takes a seat next to Jaehyun who is sitting on the floor and is working on an art piece. When Donghyuck takes a closer look, he realises that they are working on the party decorations.

He sees all the familiar faces of the popular crowd. Johnny and Yuta are in charge of the balloons. They are currently pumping air into the different colours of balloons. Jaehyun is writing ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEE TAEYONG’ in block letters on the banner as he has the nicest handwriting among everyone. Taeil is helping two workers to put up the flashing disco lights while Winwin and Jungwoo are rehearsing their dance performance.

Donghyuck loves how everyone is going all out. He remembers seeing #HappyBirthdayTY trending on Twitter in South Korea since midnight. It must be nice to be a famous influencer because people would remember your birthday and make a big deal out of it. The hashtag could be seen on Instagram too as people post videos or upload Instastories to wish Taeyong a happy birthday, courtesy of Mark Lee who started it with his ‘Happy birthday to someone I look up to’ emotional post and then the rest of the popular crowd clowned him for it before posting wishes on Instagram too. Then, other friends and fans follow suit so it is now trending. If Donghyuck does not know better, he would have thought that Taeyong is a king or something because he is loved by many people.

“Have you guys seen Mark?” Donghyuck asks, breaking the silence of concentration.

“He’s setting up the game room,” Jaehyun answers.

The red-haired male mutters a quick thanks before leaving the guys to their own work, knowing that they probably have a busy day ahead of them. He knows that they slept over the night before to prepare for the party and Donghyuck honestly thinks that this is truly sweet of them. The amount of efforts that they put in for Taeyong is amazing, really.

Donghyuck enters the first room on the right of the living room and sure enough, Mark is standing there, seeming to think about how to set up the room.

“Need help?” the red-haired male offers, interrupting the older guy’s train of thoughts.

Mark turns around, slightly alarmed, before his face shifts into a scowl. “I told you not to come,” he says, almost petulantly.

“Well, yeah, you told me not to do a lot of things but I’ve never listened to you, anyway,” the younger male snorts airily.

The older of the two chuckles quietly at that before his eyes fall on to Donghyuck’s hair. “Right. I told you not to dye your hair red but you still did it, anyway,” he replies, rolling his eyes in fondness.

Donghyuck grins at that. He remembers how upset Mark had been when he found out that Donghyuck had dyed his hair red for his graduation ceremony two weeks ago. “ _I just don’t want you to get into trouble!_ ” Mark had exclaimed back then but Donghyuck simply flipped him off.

“I’m dyeing it silver next,” the red-haired male declares, patting his hair proudly.

The older of the two blinks before tilting his head to the side thoughtfully. “I won’t stop you this time. It’ll probably suit you, to be honest,” Mark responds, nodding his head in approval.

Donghyuck gasps, acting as if he feels offended by that statement. “So, you’re saying that red doesn’t look good on me?” he asks accusingly.

Mark laughs and shrugs playfully, not answering the question.

“Fucking asshole,” Donghyuck cusses, inducing another round of laughter from Mark.

A few minutes pass by as Mark regains his composure while Donghyuck rolls his eyes, too used to the former’s overreacting to everything. That is what he likes best about Mark, though. He always laughs easily, even if someone gives a lame joke. Donghyuck remembers reading it somewhere that psychology says that if someone laughs at the littlest things, it means that they feel lonely inside. Although Mark would never admit it, Donghyuck has sworn to himself to make sure that he eases Mark’s loneliness every time that they hang out.

“You really shouldn’t be here, though,” Mark says, after he is done laughing.

“You have a strange way of saying ‘thank you for coming, I owe you my life’,” Donghyuck returns wittily as a mischievous grin makes its way to his lips.

Mark snorts loudly at that and rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “Fine, you’re right,” he finally relents. “I do need help. Do you have any idea on how I should set the game room up? I was thinking that people could play party games on the floor but I do need space for Poker.”

“Poker, huh?”

“Well, we won’t be using real money, of course. I’m not that cruel to leech off broke university students’ money. The House always wins, after all.”

Donghyuck laughs almost bitterly in response. “Dude, UOS is the most prestigious university in South Korea. I’m pretty sure that most students here have rich mommies and daddies backing their finance up. Losing a couple of hundred thousand WON won’t mean much to them,” he says in a serious tone.

“My roommate is on a scholarship,” Mark replies, just as serious. “Even _you_ are sponsored by the Zhong. Who knows who else has financial problems but choose to hide? I don’t want to risk it.”

The red-haired male rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time that day. Being around the older male has always been frustrating because Mark is stubborn and follows his set of principles closely. “First of all, Renjun is a responsible person and knows his own priorities. I’m sure he won’t spend his money on gambling. Secondly, the Zhong took me in when I was eleven so, of course, they would be paying for my education. I honestly don’t even worry about money because they provide me with everything I need.”

“It’s still risky,” Mark insists stubbornly.

Donghyuck shrugs. “Well, up to you. You’re the organiser, after all. But if you want your party to be lit, use _real_ money. It doesn’t have to be a lot of money. And if you don’t know what to do with the money that the House has won, you can always donate it to an orphanage or some non-profit organisations aiming to help those who live in poverty.”

The older of the two lets out a soft sigh. “I’ll think about it,” he replies.

Deciding that the argument is over and Donghyuck has emerged victorious, he chooses to look around the room instead to help with the setting up. It is a big room which stretches out up to ten metres. He closes his eyes as he tries to visualise how he wants the game room to look like.

“Come on, let’s set this room up,” the red-haired male says as he opens his eyes, grinning, after a few moments.

“You haven’t even shared with me how you want it to be,” Mark protests.

Donghyuck scoffs. “You know you’d love my idea, anyway,” he refutes, crossing his arms over his chest challengingly. The older of the two simply lets out a small sigh and signals him to start.

It takes quite some time to set it up, especially since they have to move the sofas and place them to the side of the room for those who want to be a spectator instead of a participant in the games. A small table is placed in the middle of the room, just in case anyone wants to refill their drinks. The drinks could also be used for party games that require drinking.

A carpet has been placed on the front of the room for those who want to play the normal party games such as Spin the Bottle or Never Have I Ever. In the middle of the room, a Poker table is set up, surrounded by stools. Mark has said that he has hired a professional dealer to host the game. Right next to it, there lie a couple of pool tables. Then, there is a divider between the middle of the room and the back of the room. The back of the room consists of table tennis where four players could play at a time.

“Just add a couple of balloons as decorations and this room is completed,” Donghyuck announces, feeling proud of himself after the hard work that he has put in.

Mark simply nods in agreement as he sits down on the sofa. The exhaustion is visible on his face. Dark circles could be seen under his eyes and his body sags into the sofa, as if he wants the sofa to swallow him whole. Donghyuck understands. It has been a busy year for Mark. He is a double major, after all. Exams ended only two weeks ago and then the older male had to prepare for the new students’ orientation. Not to mention that he had to practise for the performance during the orientation. Then, he still has Taeyong’s birthday party to handle.

“Promise me you’ll rest after the party ends,” the red-haired male says solemnly.

The older male chortles softly. “After the party, I’ll have to start practising for this dance competition that I joined with a couple of other dance majors,” he responds, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “It’s in a month’s time. It is sort of an extra credit project. If we manage to get into the top five, we’ll be able to improve any of our grades that we fucked up on during our exams. Also, I’m a part of the committee that is going to organise the annual summer party.”

“What the fuck?” Donghyuck swears loudly in response, visibly upset. He can feel the anger beginning to rise up inside of him. He glares at Mark menacingly, unable to believe his ears. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he bursts out as he unconsciously raises his voice. “Dude, you’ve been working your ass off the whole semester. At this fucking rate, I won’t be surprised if you drop dead from exhaustion.”

Mark winces. A small pout forms on his lips and he looks up at Donghyuck in his best asking-for-sympathy expression. “Don’t be angry,” he pleads. “I need the extra credit. Besides, I just need to be productive to keep my mind off things.”

The red-haired male rolls his eyes and casts the older of the two a deadpanned expression, not buying the crappy excuse that has been given. “You’re a straight A student, Mark Lee, don’t say that you need extra credit or shit like that,” he snaps. “ _Face it_. You’re not over your break up with Lucas. That’s why you’re throwing yourself into a ton of work so that you could avoid dealing with the grief.”

“It’s been six months,” Mark replies in a small voice.

Donghyuck knows that he should not let his anger get the best of him but he cannot help it. Sometimes, he thinks that he cares way too much for someone who does not even care for himself and that sucks. It sucks because he has to watch as the person who holds an importance to his life wither away and drown himself in exhaustion in hopes that it would get him out of his misery. He hates seeing it. He really fucking does.

“The only reason you’re not over him is because you’re not letting yourself heal, dumbass,” he jabs. He sucks in a deep breath, reminding himself not to be too harsh on Mark. That guy is going through a rough time, after all. He does not need any more hardship.

“You’re right,” Mark agrees half-heartedly. “I’ll deal with it, someday. Don’t worry about it.” Donghyuck snorts. Just as he is about to ask ‘ _how the fuck can I not worry about you when you’re one of my best friends?_ ’, the older of the two changes the subject, “How are you and Chenle?”

“We’re good,” the lie slips easily through the red-haired male’s mouth. Donghyuck looks away from Mark quickly when he sees the latter raises his eyebrow dubiously. The former keeps his mouth shut, though. However, he cannot help but think about how he has yet to respond to Chenle’s texts ever since the orientation ended.

Shaking his thoughts off, Donghyuck decides to shift the topic away from him. Mark does not want to talk about his love life and neither does Donghyuck. Being the king of gossips that he is, he takes a seat next to Mark and leans forward. “I saw Yuta and Ten the other day,” he tells as his lips form a wicked grin, knowing that this is a juicy piece of information.

Mark’s eyes widen in surprise. “Where?” he asks.

“At the Starbucks near the campus,” Donghyuck replies. “They were sitting at the end of the booth where the view is hidden, you know? Are they friends again?”

The older male shrugs. “I’m pretty sure Ten absolutely despises Yuta _and_ Taeyong. He has declared his hatred for them countless of times to countless of people,” Mark replies. “You might not want to mention what you saw in front of Taeyong, though. Especially not today.”

“Why not?”

“Because he would definitely flip. Let’s not upset him today. It’s his birthday, remember?”

“Are Yuta and Taeyong dating or what?” Donghyuck asks.

A pause ensues as Mark looks at the red-haired male incredulously. Donghyuck shrugs before throwing his hands up in the air defensively. It is not his fault for thinking that way, honestly. A lot of rumours have been spreading. He has heard all about how Taeyong would sometimes spend his nights in Yuta’s room at FS even though Taeyong lives with his parents in Seoul and refuses to rent an apartment with his friends. He has heard how the two of them would be seen hanging out together and be really touchy with each other.

“Yuta’s dating Winwin, Hyuck,” Mark replies. “He and Taeyong just have history, that’s why they’re really close.”

Donghyuck arches his eyebrow at the answer in disbelief. He chooses not to say anything about it, despite having a nagging feeling inside of him about how fishy everything is.

“Kun was there too but he didn’t manage to see them because Yuta left quickly,” Donghyuck informs, gaging Mark’s reaction. Being the golden boy whom everyone absolutely loves, it is no doubt that Mark has access to all kinds of gossips.

However, Mark does not seem to be deterred by the information. “It’s best not to mention it in front of Kun too,” he responds.

The red-haired male rolls his eyes. “You’re so boring,” he jeers.

“I don’t gossip about my friends.”

“Nor do I.”

Then, Mark looks at Donghyuck pointedly. “If you hang out with me, they’re going to be your friends too, you know.”

Donghyuck does not say anything to that, not knowing what he is supposed to say.

 ***

The party has officially begun.

The venue has been nicely decorated, all thanks to the popular crowd’s hard work. There are balloons everywhere in the house and the banners hang from the ceiling, wishing Taeyong a happy birthday. The front yard is covered with mats as everyone would gather there when the fireworks go off at midnight. At the back of the house, there is a pool where people could go for a swim. The living room is dark save for the disco lights that keep flashing. Everyone knows that this is where the dance floor is, especially since the DJ is playing the loud music here. Mark has, of course, hired a professional, wanting everything to be perfect. The dining room is where all the food and drinks are provided. Mark has a strict rule of not letting anyone eat just anywhere in the house. Drinks are a different story, though. There is also a long table placed right next to the front door where everyone could leave their gifts for Taeyong there. It is only thirty minutes since the party began and the table is already fully filled. The stairs that lead to upstairs is sealed as Mark refuses to let anyone stay over or get laid in his house.

To be completely honest, Donghyuck does not even know how many people Mark and Taeyong have invited. It feels like there are about a thousand people in the house and the red-haired male may be an extrovert who enjoys parties and crowds but he wonders how his two seniors know a lot of people. Donghyuck already took a shower earlier two hours before the party started and then changed into his party clothes. He feels like taking another shower because he can feel his loose white shirt that exposes his collarbones already sticking to his back.

His best friend, Jaemin and Jeno, have already arrived but the two of them have decided to hit the dance floor first, wanting to let their moves out. Donghyuck is not keen on joining them because he still wants to observe everyone first. It is his nature, after all. Growing up in a harsh environment taught him that he should see what everyone is up to before making himself comfortable.

Murmurs of excitement spread throughout the room as Donghyuck sees a couple of familiar guys stride in confidently. He recognises them as alumni of UOS; Kai and Sehun. It is well-known that Taeyong is close with them so it is of no surprise that they turn up at the party. Taeyong seems to be enjoying himself as people wish him happy birthday. He basks in the attention that he gets and greets everyone in a friendly manner, thanking them for coming to celebrate his birthday.

It is exactly nine at night when the cake comes out. The DJ pauses the music and everyone sings the birthday song in Korean then English. Taeyong makes a shout out to Mark for organising an awesome birthday party and thanks his friends from the popular crowd for making it all happen. Then, he cuts the cake and is about to give out the pieces to everyone when Johnny grins wickedly. The rest of the popular crowd seem to have gotten the hint. Just as Taeyong is about to give the first piece to Mark as a show of thanks, Yuta and Jaehyun grip Taeyong’s arms tightly as Johnny pushes the birthday boy’s face into the piece of cake.

Everyone roars in laughter as Taeyong whines in disbelief. “Assholes,” he gasps as he laughs.

“Birthday parties are incomplete without having the birthday boy covered in cake,” Johnny teases.

Then, Taeyong takes out his phone and takes a selfie with everyone and Donghyuck knows that he is likely to post it online, probably on his Instastory. After that, Mark passes the older male a wet towel and Taeyong wipes his face clean before proceeding to pass the cake around.

Donghyuck takes a plate before finally deciding to socialise. He goes over to his best friends who are already sharing a cake. “How do you like the party so far?” he asks conversationally as he takes a bite of the cake. It is a chocolate cake that melts inside his mouth as soon as he tastes it. He lets out a moan of delight, loving how sweet it is.

Jaemin scrunches his nose in disgust at the moan but Donghyuck ignores him. “It’s been pretty fun so far,” he replies, grinning widely. His hair is sticking to his forehead and his cheeks are flushed, probably due to the alcohol that he has consumed.

His other best friend, Jeno, laughs. “Are _you_ enjoying yourself?” he returns the question.

The red-haired male pretends to ponder about it for a moment, causing his two best friends to roll their eyes, before he drops the act. “I’m waiting for some sort of a drama. Parties are incomplete without at least a fight or two. Or, perhaps, seeing who hooks up with who.”

“God, you totally live for gossip,” Jaemin laughs. Then, his eyes widen.

Donghyuck raises his eyebrow questioningly before turning to see what has caught his best friend’s eyes. “Holy shit, _he's_ here,” Jeno murmurs.

Sure enough, the president of SUUS enters the living room and places his gift on the table. People start whispering among themselves at the unexpected presence. Everyone knows that Doyoung absolutely hates parties. Although Donghyuck and Jeno live with Doyoung at the same apartment, Doyoung has never once mentioned his intention to attend the party.

“You’re here,” Jaehyun comes over to greet the president.

“Nah, this is the clone of Kim Doyoung. Doyoung is currently resting at home because he doesn’t want to deal with your crusty ass,” the president says sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Jaehyun does not seem to be offended as he lets out a soft laugh at that. Before he has the chance to reply, Jungwoo saunters over. “Glad you could make it!” he exclaims as mirth fills his eyes.

“I’m not here for you, obviously,” Doyoung quips. Then, he seems to have spotted Taeyong and he immediately leaves the two guys to wish the birthday boy.

Donghyuck turns to look at his best friends, absolutely curious about the interaction that he has just seen. Jeno shrugs while Jaemin seems to be thinking about something. Deciding to store that information away for later, Donghyuck quickly finishes his cake and invites his best friends to dance with him.

The two black-haired guys agree and they throw away their plates at the nearest bin before making their way to the dance floor. It is then the performance that Jungwoo and Winwin have been practising for begins. They take up right in the middle of the dance floor, wanting to be the centre of attention. Then, the music starts. The familiar beat of Señorita by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello begins to reverberate throughout the room.

The two of them start moving slowly but sensually. Nothing too sexual, though. All eyes are on them as their precise movements to the beat captivate everyone’s attention. Donghyuck almost whistles because Jungwoo may not be a Dance major but he sure as hell knows how to move his body with grace. Soon enough, people start joining in the dance. The red-haired male decides to move his body along too, letting himself go with the music and his best friends have already started way before him.

Donghyuck closes his eyes as he feels himself beginning to relax. The tension slowly leaves his body as he continues to sway along to the music. This is a party filled with harmless university students. No one would attempt to do anything inappropriate. The red-haired male is simply being paranoid, a habit since childhood. He remembers the days when he had to-

His phone vibrates in his pocket, interrupting his train of thoughts. His eyes flutter open.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Mark and Lucas talking. Mark is hugging himself to soothe himself while Lucas towers over him. It seems to be an awkward conversation because Mark quickly turns away and leaves. He also sees how Jungwoo keeps his eyes on Doyoung during the dance, as if attempting to seduce the president. Jaehyun also seems to be all over Doyoung too but the president shrugs them off, making his way to the dining room instead.

The red-haired male shakes his head. He is naturally observant. That is what makes him the king of gossips. _Look and observe_ , he hears his father’s voice inside his head. _Look at the people around you and see them for who they are. Their behaviours will tell you everything you need to know about them_.

Sucking in a deep breath, he forces his father’s voice out of his head. He takes his phone from his pocket and reads the message that he has received.

_Where are you?_

Donghyuck has to refrain himself from laughing incredulously. God, Chenle is honestly the sweetest person he has ever met. And Donghyuck really likes him. He likes the bundle of joy that he has been blessed with. Even when Donghyuck has not responded to his texts for a week, the Chinese boy still looks for him.

Then, his phone vibrates again.

_Never mind. Found you._

Unable to believe what he has just read the red-haired male looks up and his eyes immediately meet with Chenle’s soft ones. He walks over and grabs Chenle’s wrist. He brings the younger male to the front yard where it is empty as the fireworks still have two hours left before they begin.

“What are you doing here?” Donghyuck demands as soon as they are outside and no one is there to hear them. He lets go of Chenle’s wrist and crosses his arms over his chest.

The Chinese boy looks up at him with a hurt expression on his face. The red-haired male flinches, knowing that he has caused that. “You weren’t responding to my texts,” Chenle says quietly. “I begged Mark to let me in the party so that I could talk to you.”

“If someone doesn’t respond to your texts, Chenle, it means that they don’t want to talk to you,” Donghyuck says as he lets out an exasperated sigh.

“You’re not being fair to me,” the Chinese male accuses bluntly.

Donghyuck almost quirks up a smile but he manages to stop himself just in time. That is what he likes best about Chenle. Chenle is always honest about what he feels. He has never once put on a façade to please anyone. He is unlike most people Donghyuck has met.

“I know,” the red-haired male chooses to answer instead.

“Is it because of what I told you before you left for university?”

The red-haired male lets out another small sigh. He still remembers how Chenle pecked his cheek and whispered, “ _I love you_.” Donghyuck had been so taken aback by the sudden confession that he froze and looked at Chenle with an unreadable expression on his face. Then, without a word, he had left the bungalow that they live in which also happens to be right next to Mark’s house.

The truth is, Donghyuck used to live in the streets. When he was eleven, the Zhong took him in after finding him in a horrible state. He had just been beaten up by some of the older thugs because they were trying to steal his food and he flatly refused to give it to them. It just happened that the Zhong were there and brought him home. He was lucky that they were kind-hearted people.

Growing up together with Chenle, Donghyuck had always been fond of the younger male. He was always sunshine and rainbow. Chenle has never failed to cheer him up. He has never expected that his feelings would be reciprocated. It was last year on his birthday when Chenle confessed. Donghyuck had not said anything at first for the next few weeks but the Chinese male continued to be really sweet to him. Soon enough, Donghyuck gave in. He told Chenle that he liked him too. It was then when they started to go out on dates and stole kisses when Chenle’s parents were not looking though Donghyuck knew that his parents were probably already aware of the romance between them.

However, everything changes as soon as the red-haired male heard the three words that Chenle had uttered. He really likes Chenle, he knows that. But love? Love is something foreign to him. He thinks that it may be way too fast but Chenle is Chenle and the boy is always confident about what he feels. He is probably the most emotionally available person that Donghyuck has ever known. The Chinese male always wears his heart on his sleeve and is never afraid to express what he feels. Donghyuck greatly admires him for that.

The thing is, Donghyuck believes that he is no good for Chenle. Chenle is someone who is whole and cheerful. He gives and gives and gives without asking for anything in return. Donghyuck is a different story. He takes and takes and takes and never gives anything in return. He knows that he is making everything complicated when it is simple. He could choose to be with Chenle and be the happiest person alive. He does not know if he deserves the happiness, though.

“You’re seventeen, Chenle,” Donghyuck answers, at last. “You probably don’t even know what love is. I’m nineteen and I have yet to discover what it is.”

“I’m turning eighteen,” the Chinese male replies, shrugging. “Perhaps, you’re right. We don’t know what love is. We’ve never experienced it. But we can always discover what it is together. You and me, together.”

The words are sweet and Donghyuck feels himself soften. His will crumbles. He hates how easily he gets soft when it comes to Chenle. How could he bear to deny Chenle from what he wants when he is absolutely sure that the boy in front of him is the most important person in his life?

But Donghyuck is damaged. He is damaged by what he saw and heard when he was young. He is still haunted by the demons in his past. The Zhong has never asked him to tell him about his life. They readily accept him for who he is and bring him up sincerely without expecting to be rewarded. They give him everything he needs and he will forever be thankful to them.

It feels as if it is a sin for him to be with Chenle.

The Zhong has always been kind and generous. There is no way that Donghyuck wants to repay them by ruining their only son. He does not want Chenle to get involved in his complicated mess. The boy deserves so much better than someone who used to live on the streets, scampering for food and hurting others in order to survive.

“Why me?” Donghyuck asks, instead. “I’m everything you’re not.”

Chenle tilts his head thoughtfully to the side as a small smile displays on his lips. He chuckles softly and shrugs. “You’ve always been there for me during my best and worst times. You saw my childish tantrums when we were kids. You saw how bratty I could get simply because I didn’t get my way. You saw how I break down every time I failed my exams and you would always assure me that I’m good enough for anything,” he replies. “I really don’t know why you always think that you don’t even give me anything and that you’re only taking from me when you give me a lot too.”

“It’s not enough,” Donghyuck replies. “ _I’m_ not enough.”

The Chinese male clicks his tongue in distaste in the exact same way Donghyuck always does whenever Mark overworks himself. The red-haired male recognises the action as one that says ‘ _I fucking care for you, you fucking idiot, and I wish you would see yourself the way I see you so you’d finally stop being hard on yourself and start treating yourself with care_ ’.

“You’re an idiot if you think that you’re not enough for me,” Chenle states bluntly as the smile has disappeared from his face. “I’ve never even asked anything from you. Not your time, not your affection. Hell, I don’t even ask you to tell me that you love me too. I’d _never_ ask. You know I’ll always let you do things at your own pace. No fucking pressure because I know you need your space and time. You’re emotionally constipated, after all.”

Donghyuck snorts at that, hating how accurate the Chinese male is. Chenle is always brutally honest with his words but he has never minded that. It is his charm, really.

“I want to give you so much more,” Donghyuck replies, defeated. “But I can’t because I’m me and you’re you. You deserve _better_.”

At that, Chenle’s expression darkens. He emits a soft sigh from his lips. “Then, you simply don’t like me enough,” he shrugs carelessly. The hurt is evident in his eyes and Donghyuck opens his mouth to say that this is not what this is about. Not at all. “If you like me enough, Hyuck, you wouldn’t say that I deserve better. That’s fucking weak. That’s a fucking weak ass excuse.”

The red-haired male stares, feeling dumbfounded. He does not know how to put it into words. He does not know how to tell the younger of the two that he feels that way because he is not enough for anyone. He will always be that scarred little boy that the Zhong took in eight years ago. He will always ruin everything he touches and it scares him. It scares him a lot that Chenle is willingly handing his heart over to Donghyuck and all Donghyuck could do is drop it, letting it shatter into a million pieces.

“Don’t give me that weak excuse people give in books or dramas,” Chenle rages on. “You’re a fucking weak ass shit for saying that, do you know that? If you like me enough, you would not say that I deserve _better_. You would be working your ass off to _be_ that someone better.”

 _It’s not like that_ , the red-haired male badly wants to protest. _It’s not like that at all_.

But Chenle does not give him a chance to reply. Instead, the younger of the two says, “I’m done trying. Talk to me when you’ve decided that you want to stop being a fucking idiot.” Then, he walks away towards the direction of his own house.

“Rough night?” a voice calls out as soon as Chenle is gone.

Donghyuck whips his head around to see Taeyong lying down on a mat beside the bush where Donghyuck and Chenle just had their argument. He blinks, not realising that there is someone else outside all this time. He curses his own carelessness. Seeing Chenle at the party has taken him by surprise, causing him to forget to observe his surroundings first.

“Yeah,” he says weakly. “You too?”

Taeyong smiles almost sadly and shrugs. “Come join me,” he invites.

Donghyuck steps over the bush and lies down next to the most popular person on campus. He does not know what he is doing, honestly. He doubts that Taeyong knows too because it is his birthday party yet he is outside, alone, gazing at the stars.

“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” Donghyuck asks tentatively, wanting to get his own problems off his mind. He needs a distraction and if Taeyong wants him to lend a listening ear, he is willing to listen.

The birthday boy sighs. “I miss someone dearly,” he says quietly. “But I fucked up our friendship so I guess I kind of deserve the silence that he’s giving me right now.”

“Have you ever apologised?” Donghyuck asks which is rich of him, really, because he should be apologising to Chenle right now.

Taeyong shrugs. “How do you apologise to someone who doesn’t want to listen?” he asks back rhetorically.

“You should be happy on your birthday,” Donghyuck points out gently.

“I know,” the older male says softly. Then, he turns to look at the red-haired male directly in the eyes. “But I’m not.”

 _And I haven’t been for so long_ , the unspoken words hover in the air between them yet Donghyuck hears it, nevertheless, because he understands.

He chuckles bitterly in response. “Guess we’ve got to live with who we are and the mistakes we’ve made for the rest of our lives, then,” he says.

“You still have a chance, though,” Taeyong replies without missing a beat. Donghyuck arches an eyebrow quizzically. “You still have a chance to fix whatever went wrong between you and that boy,” the senior tells him in a serious tone.

Donghyuck pauses as he thinks about it. He knows that if he goes over to Chenle’s house right now, the latter would listen to his explanation and kiss his worries and insecurities away. _You’re good enough_ , he would say. But Chenle does not understand. He would never understand what goes on inside Donghyuck’s mind.

“Maybe I don’t want to fix it,” he says hoarsely. “Maybe it is better this way.”

“You’ll regret it,” Taeyong shrugs, not bothering to insist.

“So be it,” Donghyuck says quietly.

Because he would rather ruin himself and break himself into pieces with all the words he has never said and all the words he wants to say but has never gotten the chance to. He would rather hurt himself than let Chenle be ruined by his own hands.

 _I’m sorry_ , he thinks to himself, wishing that Chenle could hear him. _I’m so sorry_.

_When I say that you deserve better, it truly means that you deserve better._

 

 


	4. four. the party gets wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna let y'all have a glimpse of a fresh perspective of the popular crowd. also, this is where all the problems slowly begin in the story and all the fucked up stories start to reveal themselves slowly.

* * *

  _Yangyang_

* * *

 

“Five!”

“Four!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

The sound of fireworks exploding can be heard and cheers and shouts of drunken happiness emerge. The fireworks are pretty against the dark blue sky. It is a contrast of red, yellow, green and even pink against the darkness. The partygoers whistle loudly and everyone seems to be so fascinated by the beauty of the fireworks. Honestly, Yangyang simply wonders how Mark managed to get approval from God knows who to pull off the fireworks. It is not even like this is a national party.

However, considering that Mark is, well, _Mark_ , the Chinese male should not really feel surprised because he has heard all about the popular guy. Everyone loves him. Even, Kim Doyoung, the president of SUUS, who is said to despise every single human in the university, adores him. It is just something about him, Yangyang guesses. Mark gives off a vibe that makes people feel soft for him. It is his eyes, Yangyang deducts. It has to be. Who could say no to Mark Lee if he looks at you like a kicked puppy?

The most surprising thing of all is the fact that even Kun is fond of Mark which is funny, really, because Kun absolutely dislikes the popular crowd. Yangyang thinks that the only reason Kun likes Mark is because he and Lucas dated. “ _They’re all fucked up, honestly_ ,” the older male had jabbed, rolling his eyes, when Yangyang asked his roommate about them. “ _I mean, Taeyong is so messed up, you don’t know the shit he did before. Not to mention that Jaehyun and Jungwoo have been trying to get into Doyoung’s pants for ages. It’s so sickening every time I have to see it during our SUUS meetings, like, dude, control your hormones. Don’t even get me started on Yuta. That guy makes my skin crawl because he’s such a jerk, really. Honestly, Mark is the only decent one among them. I don’t even know why he even hangs out with them. Johnny and Taeil are semi-decent, I guess_.”

Winwin, one of his housemates, is an exception because he lives with them in Double C, short for Crazy Chinese, and he is down to earth and humble. Kun does not consider him to be a part of the popular crowd because the only reason he is in it is because Taeyong has taken him under his wing during the first day of the Chinese male in university. However, he did not start hanging out with them until he started dating Jaehyun, and then, Yuta. Kun obviously disapproves but he does not say anything about it.

The truth is, Yangyang knows that the only reason Kun hates them all is because he is sort of dating Ten who hates them too. Keyword: sort of. They have a thing going on for a couple of months already but they have not made things official yet because they want to take things slow. Yangyang does not get it, really. If you like someone, shouldn’t you just get on with it and date them? Instead of being somewhere in between.

Ten spills a lot of tea about them, especially considering the fact that he used to be a part of that crowd years ago. However, it was not until that one big incident that no one ever dares to bring up happened when the Thai male kicked himself out of the group, not wanting to have anything to do with his former friends anymore. In fact, Yangyang has heard that the group fell apart for a while until Yuta and Taeyong made up once again. Dramatic, really.

As much as the Chinese male tries to stay neutral about the popular crowd, he cannot help but feel a slight disdain for them, due to the stories he has heard about them, mostly from Kun. “ _Dude, Jaehyun dated, like, ten different people last month and Jungwoo once caused a girl to attempt suicide after dumping her_ ,” the older Chinese male had spilled the tea. “ _Yuta is the worst, though. He’s a cheater, that one. The number of times he cheated on his partner every time he dated is uncountable. That’s why I hate the fact that Winwin’s dating him. I don’t want him to get hurt_.”

The way that Yangyang sees it, he thinks that Winwin is perfectly happy with the Japanese guy. Even right now, the two of them have their arms wrapped around each other’s waist as they admire the fireworks up in the sky. The Chinese male watches as Yuta leans down and presses a chaste kiss on his boyfriend’s lips. Yangyang looks away because the moment is too intimate for him to be looking at. He turns towards his best friend who is sitting next to him on the mat that has been provided.

Renjun stares into the night sky with a faraway look in his eyes that is a clear sign that he is not actually looking at the fireworks like the others. Yangyang frowns. He nudges Renjun’s ribs lightly, snapping his best friend back to reality. Renjun raises his eyebrow.

“You’re in too deep inside your thoughts,” Yangyang points out.

Renjun laughs. “I’m just sleepy,” he says. “I want to introduce you to my groupmates during our orientation, though. I’m sure you’ll get along with them. They’re very loud and rowdy.”

Yangyang nods. He knows who his best friend is talking about. Donghyuck, Jaemin and Jeno. Renjun will not shut up about them and Yangyang really wants to meet them so that he would be able to get to know his best friend’s friends. Just like how he introduced Renjun to his housemates (Kun, Hendery, Winwin, Dejun and Lucas), he wants to be introduced to Renjun’s friends too. It is only fair that way. They are best friends, after all. They should be sharing the friends that they have.

To be frank, Yangyang is actually surprised that Renjun even wants to go to Taeyong’s birthday party. Based on what he knows about his best friend, Renjun detests crowds. Even right now, he can see that Renjun is not even enjoying himself. Earlier, he took one sip of the alcohol provided and then spat it out immediately afterwards. Yangyang laughed his head off at the epic reaction.

The number of people who attend the party cannot even be guessed. There are way too many people around and the front yard is currently really crowded. Some people even choose to look at the fireworks at the backyard inside the pool. Yangyang is having fun, though. He likes losing himself in the music and interacting with new people. Everyone has been really friendly so far. He wishes that his best friend would let loose once in a while. He knows that Renjun is always way too serious for his own good and he hopes that his best friend would stop being so wound up someday.

The fireworks have finally come to an end. Yangyang looks around to search for Lucas, Dejun and Hendery as he wants to know what time they intend to return to their shared apartment. Kun is the only housemate of his that refuses to come to the party as he is not really fond of Taeyong. No use in fake pleasantries, according to him.

Yangyang can feel himself getting tired already. The alcohol is slowly making its way into his system and he feels slightly buzzed. Fortunately, he is still able to see everything clearly. Renjun is obviously not drunk as he chooses to stick with punch, disliking the bitter taste of alcohol on his tongue. That is why he is the designated ‘driver’, or more like in charge of booking an Uber back to their place later on.

It is midnight and the Chinese male thinks that the party should be over soon. It is no longer Taeyong’s birthday, after all. Everyone should be heading back to their own place. But this birthday party is called the party of the year for a reason. It seems like the party has just _begun_.

“Party games in the game room, people!” Johnny hollers loudly as he pops open a champagne, attracting everyone’s attention. Cheers of excitement echo loudly throughout the night.

As soon as the announcement is made, almost everyone stands up and heads back inside the bungalow. Yangyang and Renjun join the crowd. Once inside, the DJ has started the music again and a lot of people continue dancing from where they have left off.

“Renjun!” a voice exclaims loudly. Yangyang turns around to see his best friend smiling at the three guys who have approached them. Jaemin, Jeno and Donghyuck, he notes.

A short introduction is exchanged among them and Yangyang finds himself hitting it off well with the three guys.

“Come on, let’s go to the game room. It’s about to get wild,” Donghyuck says and turns towards the said room.

The other four guys follow his lead and Yangyang enters the game room. He is in awe at the sight in front of him. It is a big room that is about ten metres long. A poker table and pool tables are placed in the middle of the room and most of the guests are already enjoying themselves with the games. Some of them choose to lounge at the sofas provided instead with a cup in their hands.

At the front of the room, it can be seen that the popular crowd has already taken up the space on the carpet. Their game is about to start. Yangyang hesitates, not knowing if he should join. He does not even know these people so he wonders if he should be participating in whatever games they have decided to play. Then, he remembers his resolution to experience everything in university so he takes a seat right next to Donghyuck who is already sitting confidently next to Winwin. Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun choose to sit on the couch with the other spectators, refusing to join in.

Yangyang looks at the circle around him. Right next to Donghyuck is Winwin who is sitting next to Yuta. Then, Taeyong, Johnny, Jaehyun, Jungwoo, Mark, Doyoung, Dejun, Hendery and Lucas. He does a double take as soon as he realises that his housemates are literally right next to him.

“What’s up, bro,” Lucas greets, grinning cheekily at him. Hendery winks playfully at him while Dejun just waves from afar.

Yangyang only laughs in response.

“If no one else wants to join, I’ll be starting the game now,” Johnny announces after everyone has introduced themselves. Right in the middle of the circle, there are a couple of bottles of beer and a few plastic cups. He pours the beer right into the cups and passes it around to everyone.

The Chinese male takes his cup and winces as soon as he realises that this is the cheap kind of beer. The taste will definitely be really bad as it would hit the back of your throat. It is also the kind that would cause you to get drunk quickly. No wonder Renjun refuses to join. He must have seen the bottles.

“What game are we playing?” Jungwoo asks.

Johnny grins wickedly. “Never Have I Ever,” he says once he makes sure that everyone has gotten their respective drinks. “We’ll go one round. Everyone will say a statement about something that they’ve never done before. If you’ve done it, then, you have to drink the beer. There will be a punishment for the person who has to drink the most.”

“God, I hate your punishments,” Yuta mutters.

“It’s our tradition,” Johnny shrugs nonchalantly. “The loser has to pay.”

“What’s the punishment?” Doyoung pipes up, raising an eyebrow.

Johnny smirks. It is then Yangyang has a very bad feeling about this. Initially, he had thought that the party games would be chill and relaxing. It would be something that everyone will enjoy. That is why he thinks that it is strange how most people refuse to join the game when the popular crowd has taken up the space on the floor. Knowing that this is the _party of the year_ , after all, the punishment is bound to be something embarrassing and would end up being a hot topic for the rest of the month.

“You have to skinny dip in the backyard pool in front of everyone,” Johnny announces, seemingly proud of the punishment he has come up with.

Exclamations of ‘ _what_ ’ can be heard from both the players and the audience.

“I see you’ve upped your punishment,” Taeyong comments lightly.

“Party of the year, after all,” Johnny replies, wiggling his eyebrows in a teasing manner.

“No wonder Taeil refused to join,” Mark snorts out loud, having come to the realisation why Johnny’s boyfriend is not here to support the game.

Johnny lets out a dramatic sigh, causing everyone to burst into laughter. “Taeil’s body is only for me to see,” he responds in faux wistfulness. A few people coo endearingly at the statement while everyone else on the floor rolls their eyes.

“So, your body isn’t only for Taeil to see?” Donghyuck teases.

“Well, I’m confident enough that I won’t lose,” Johnny shrugs.

Yangyang hesitates for a moment. He thinks of backing out but seeing that none of the people in the circle is about to back down from the game, including his own housemates, he does not want to appear cowardly. Besides, what are the chances that he ends up losing? He barely has done anything with his life. Surely, he will be safe, right?

“I’ll start,” Taeyong offers, completely ruining Yangyang’s chance of backing out. The most popular guy in the room taps his chin for a moment. “Never have I ever gone to classes in my pyjamas.”

Most of the players boo at that. “Fucking nerd!” Jaehyun jabs teasingly.

Yangyang does not touch his cup. His classes have not even started yet. Luckily, schools in China require the students to wear uniforms so he has never had the chance to go to school in pyjamas. Jaehyun, Jungwoo, Yuta, Johnny, Lucas and Hendery drink from their cups before refilling them.

“My turn, then,” Johnny says, grinning mischievously. There is something about the tall guy that makes it seem like he is the master of all plans and mischief. “Never have I ever dated someone else other than Taeil.”

The players boo once again. “That’s not fair. You’ve been dating Taeil since you were _sixteen_ ,” Taeyong says petulantly.

“That’s exactly the point, my dear birthday boy,” Johnny replies with the grin of mischief still plastered on his face.

This time around, everyone except for Johnny downs their drink. Yangyang makes a face as soon as he swallows down the beer. It burns his throat. He wonders whose idea it is to buy this particular brand of bottle for the game. Afterwards, everyone’s focus shifts to Jaehyun as soon as the cups are filled once again. The said guy directs a smile towards Yuta with a dangerous glint in his eyes.

“Never have I ever cheated on my partner,” Jaehyun says, cocking his head in a mocking manner.

Gasps could be heard in the room as murmurs of disbelief begin to sound. No one has expected Jaehyun to say something so direct, exposing his own friends. This is, after all, a game that is being watched by many. It is of no doubt that some people are even recording this or posting it on their Snapchat or stories on their Instagram.

No one moves for their cup. Yangyang relaxes slightly, knowing that he is not guilty of the statement. The atmosphere is so tense that all laughter has died down. Only voices from the poker table and pool tables could be heard as they are concentrating on their own games.

Jungwoo reaches for his cup. Then, he drinks the beer in one go before pouring the beer into his cup once again. Jaws drop open.

“Whoa. Wait, what?” Dejun sputters out, unable to hide his surprise.

However, Jungwoo maintains his cool. “It was a drunken mistake,” he clarifies calmly. “I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Dude, you’ve never told me about it,” Jaehyun utters as confusion flashes in his eyes.

“Not something that I’m proud of.”

In the midst of the chaos, Yangyang watches as Yuta grabs his cup and finishes off the beer. Then, he refills his drink before shooting daggers towards Jaehyun. “That was a personal attack,” he snaps, obviously agitated.

Jaehyun laughs in amusement. “Sorry, but you’ve got a nice body. I’m doing what I have to in order for you to be naked in the pool, showing off your abs,” he replies. Then, he tilts his head and a knowing smirk etches itself on his lips. “Besides, I could’ve made it even _more_ personal but I didn’t,” he adds in a mocking tone.

“Just because I’m dating your ex,” Yuta scoffs. The disdain is clear in his eyes.

Truth be told, when Donghyuck said that things were about to get wild, Yangyang has never expected that it would become _this_ wild. The Chinese male thought it would be something to do with nudity or sexual innuendos or anything else other than this. He does not expect that tension would break out and secrets would be exposed to a lot of people.

“Alright, let’s move on, please,” Mark requests, feeling uncomfortable.

“Yeah,” Taeyong agrees. “It’s my birthday. Don’t ruin it by being bitter over exes. You can always deck it out on another day.”

“Well, bitter people can’t help their nature,” Doyoung says casually, shrugging his shoulders.

Yangyang hears the snort that Lucas lets out next to him while Donghyuck is already guffawing with laughter. Hendery covers his mouth with his hand in order to hide his laughter and Dejun smacks the former on the arm lightly. Honestly, Yangyang wonders why his housemates are even playing this game. Perhaps, Kun’s disdain of the popular crowd is ineffective to the rest of them because they seem to get along quite well with them.

“It’s my turn now,” Jungwoo announces, successfully cutting through the tension in the air. “Never have I ever hooked up with my ex after we broke up.”

“Fuck,” Mark cusses softly but it is still audible to everyone in the room. He downs his drink.

Yangyang simply watches. Next to him, Lucas drinks from his cup too, causing people to raise their eyebrows. It is of no secret that Mark and Lucas had dated before. Other than the two of them, Yuta, Winwin and Jaehyun raise their cups to their lips and drink.

Donghyuck snorts out loud. “I don’t get it, though,” he voices out. “I mean, if you’re my ex, then, it’s _over_.”

Taeyong leans forward across Yuta and Winwin to pat the red-haired male on the shoulder. “Feelings are messy, kiddo,” he says quietly. “I’ve never done it before but I know how hard it is not to crawl back to your ex.”

“It’s unhealthy, though,” Hendery pipes up. “There’s no use in watering dead flowers.” Murmurs of agreement ensue.

“I’m glad that I’ve only dated Taeil for the whole twenty-four years of my life,” Johnny says airily.

“You’re a whipped bitch,” Jaehyun insults lightly, causing everyone to burst into laughter.

“A proud one at that,” Johnny shoots back wittily with a confident grin on his face.

Although Yangyang has only drunk once, he does not feel bored at all with the game. It is honestly interesting to see the dynamics of the popular crowd. He knows now who have a sharp tongue, who to avoid and who is probably chill about everything.

For the first time during the game, Winwin speaks up, “Just get on with the game.” This has managed to cause the players to stop throwing shades at one another. Yangyang thinks it is because Winwin is usually quiet but when he says something, it is obvious that he has put a lot of thought into it or it is because he is simply irritated. He is not certain because he has barely interacted with the older male ever since he arrived in Seoul. Winwin is rarely at home, always busy doing something with his friends.

“Okay,” Mark nods, seeing as it is his turn now. “Never have I ever slept with a stranger.”

Most of the players groan. Taeyong, Yuta, Jaehyun, Winwin, Jungwoo, Doyoung and Hendery drink their beer simultaneously. The bottle is passed around as they have to fill their cups to the brim once again.

“Wait,” Yuta calls out. “ _Doyoung_ slept with a stranger before?”

The president of SUUS rolls his eyes in annoyance. “Why do you seem so surprised?” he quips almost defensively.

“Honestly, we all think you’re a _prude_ ,” Jaehyun answers loudly.

“ _And_ a virgin,” Jungwoo adds.

That causes Taeyong to burst into peals of laughter while Doyoung rolls his eyes even harder, if that is even possible. “Fuck off,” he says. Then, realising that it is his turn, he speaks, “Let’s just say our statements without commenting anything. End the game quickly. It’s getting boring.”

“Alright,” Johnny agrees unexpectedly. “I think we already have enough drama for tonight.”

“That’s even more boring,” Yuta jeers. “We ought to be able to remark. That’s what makes everything interesting.”

Doyoung snorts. “Fine, then,” he responds, not bothering to argue his point as he seemingly has had enough. “Never have I ever gone to another country in order to pursue my studies.”

Yangyang groans at that. He brings his cup to his lips and downs the beer for the second time, wincing at the taste as the alcohol burns the back of his throat. He sees all of the players who are foreigners doing the same thing. After refilling his drink, he sets the cup on the carpet once again.

“You’re losing, Yuta,” Donghyuck points out in amusement, having come to the realisation that the Japanese male is the only one who has been drinking from his cup since the first statement.

The mentioned guy lets out a dramatic sigh mockingly. “Well, I can’t help it. I have way too many fans who want to see my great body,” he sasses.

Laughing, Taeyong slaps Yuta’s arm while the rest of them simply shoot him an unamused expression.

“Alright, it’s Dejun’s turn now,” Johnny says, trying to keep the game going.

Honestly, Yangyang feels grateful for Johnny’s presence. If he were not here, the Chinese male is absolutely certain that the game would drag on for a very long time as everyone keeps on getting carried away with their banters and jabs. He feels his own head spin for a moment and he wonders if he is slowly getting drunk.

Dejun clears his throat, successfully garnering everyone’s attention. “Never have I ever had sex,” he says out loud before ducking his head shyly when most people inside the game room begin to coo at him in a baby voice.

“Innocent baby!” Lucas declares, laughing heartily.

“I can teach you if you want,” Jungwoo calls out, winking playfully at the Chinese male.

“You’re going to taint him,” Hendery says flatly.

Yangyang shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Dejun is not the only one who has had no sexual experience, to be completely honest. Yangyang is still a virgin too. Looking around, he sees that the only one who is not drinking from their cups, other than himself and Dejun, is Donghyuck.

It seems like he is not the only one who has noticed this because Taeyong leans forward with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Donghyuck and Yangyang too?” he asks in a loud voice, causing everyone else to take notice.

“Well,” Yangyang replies dumbly, not knowing what to say.

Luckily, Donghyuck comes to his rescue. “I want my first time to be special,” he shrugs nonchalantly, seemingly unaffected by people’s judgement.

“Sap,” Mark teases.

The red-haired male rolls his eyes. “You’re not any better,” he rebuts. “Don’t you remember how–”

As if realising his mistake, the Canadian male quickly interrupts, “Okay, let’s not go there right now. Whose turn is it? Hendery, right?”

Donghyuck lets out a loud snort at the sudden change of subject but he seems to let it go as everyone else is now looking at Hendery expectantly. Yangyang takes a look at the time on his watch and realises that it is almost one in the morning. He yawns, realising that he is slowly getting exhausted. He looks up to look for Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun, only to find that they are nowhere to be seen. They are most likely bored of watching and have decided to entertain themselves with other games.

The Chinese male decides to focus on Hendery instead although his vision is getting blurry. His housemate seems to be deep in thought about what to say. Then, he smiles.

“Well, I just want confirmation to this rumour I’ve heard before,” his housemate says tentatively like he is walking on eggshells. He pauses for a dramatic effect. “Never have I ever been married.”

Silence ensues as everyone looks at one another. No one makes a move to drink from their cups. Yangyang raises an eyebrow quizzically, feeling perplexed. All the players here are merely university students. There is no way that they have been married before. Right?

As if to the answer his question, Yangyang gasps out loud as both Taeyong and Yuta clink their cups together and down their beer in one go. It seems like he is not the only one who is surprised because Donghyuck is already gaping while Lucas looks really shocked. Murmurs of disbelief could be heard inside the room, especially among the spectators. The only people who do not even look surprised are the popular crowd and Doyoung.

“So, you guys _married_ each other?” Yangyang voices his wonder out loud. The disbelief is still visible on his face.

Taeyong and Yuta turn to look at each other for a moment before laughing, causing everyone else to feel even more baffled than they already are.

“Yeah, it was years ago,” Taeyong clarifies. “The three of us, Johnny, Yuta and I, took a year break after high school in order to have fun and enjoy life. So, we decided to travel for a little while. I was dating Yuta at that time and when we went to Canada, he proposed. We got married there.” A fond smile makes its way to his lips and the Chinese male assumes that memories are beginning to play inside the senior’s mind.

Even Yuta seems to be thinking back to the days as he has a daze in his eyes. “We’ve never gotten a divorce because it was too much work,” he says softly.

“Well, it’s all in the past, though,” Taeyong waves it off quickly, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “I tell everyone that I’m single now.”

Now, Yangyang is even more convinced that Kun is right when he said that the popular crowd is a bunch of fucked up people. How could it even be possible that Taeyong and Yuta are _married_ yet Yuta is dating Winwin? Sure, they have ended but they are still friends. How do you even become friends with your own husband and is fine with them dating someone else? The Chinese male does not understand it at all. It is extremely complicated and beyond his comprehension.

Not wanting to dwell on it anymore, Yangyang takes in a deep breath and tries to shake his thoughts off.

Fortunately, Lucas quickly acknowledges that it is his turn. “Never have I ever dated my friend’s ex,” he says. Taeyong, Winwin and Yuta swallow their drinks respectively but they do not say anything.

To be completely honest, Yangyang wonders how Yuta is still able to hold up after all the beer he had been drinking for the past hour during the game. The taste is strong and the Chinese male only had two cups but his head is already hurting.  Realising that it is now his turn when he sees all the eyes on him, he gulps.

He scratches his head for a moment as he tries his best to come up with a statement in his drunken haze. He does not want to come off as lame as most of the players already said things that spilled a lot of juicy gossip. He bites his lower lip nervously. “Uh,” he stutters for a moment. His mind comes up with a blank.

“It’s okay, Yangyang. Just say whatever,” Taeyong says encouragingly with a sweet smile on his lips. Lucas, beside him, takes his hand and squeezes it in reassurance.

The Chinese male takes in a deep breath before letting it out slowly in order to soothe his nerves. “Never have I ever gone through heartbreak,” he says softly.

Without hesitation, Taeyong and Yuta drink from their cups once again. Next to him, Donghyuck hesitates before downing his drink. As if inspired by Donghyuck’s honesty, Mark brings his cup to his lips and swallows every single drop of the beer. Yangyang listens as Lucas emits a soft sigh and soon finishes his drink too.

“Drink, Jaehyun,” Winwin orders quietly. The mentioned male looks up and stares into his eyes challengingly.

“If I drink, you have to drink too,” Jaehyun replies flatly, licking his lips.

Not backing down, Winwin finishes his drink then tilts his head to the side slightly, silently daring the Korean male to do the same. Without much choice, Jaehyun drinks the beer and makes a face as soon as he is done due to the bitter taste.

“Even a playboy like you knows what heartbreak feels like,” Doyoung comments with a mocking smile on his lips.

Jaehyun scoffs. “That’s because I’m not a heartless jerk like you,” he returns although there is no real bite in it.

The president of SUUS simply shrugs it off, not minding the insult. Yangyang suspects that it is most likely because Doyoung agrees with the statement so he does not even bother to deny it.

“Alright, my turn now,” Donghyuck grins devilishly. The red-haired male smirks and Yangyang knows that he is about to say something controversial that would expose people’s secret. As if to confirm his suspicion, Donghyuck says, “Never have I ever sent a picture of my dick to someone else.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Johnny says, rolling his eyes. He takes the cup and finishes his beer.

Laughing shamelessly, Yuta reaches for his cup too and drinks. Jungwoo and Jaehyun do the same thing.

“Wow, I didn’t even know that my own friends do sexting,” Taeyong snorts, unable to believe this discovery.

“Come on, Tae, I’ve been dating Taeil for about eight years now. Surely, you’d know that we’ve done a lot of stuff before,” Johnny replies, wiggling his eyebrows in a perverted manner, causing Taeyong to frown in disgust.

Yangyang laughs quietly to himself as he sees the interaction. Johnny may have been loud. He even has an intimidating demeanour to him because he seems like someone who is way too cool to hang out with losers, what’s with his height and wittiness. However, it is obvious that he is the mood maker of the group. He talks to everyone and teases his friends endlessly, not letting them catch a break. The Chinese male admires him greatly for that because it is rare to meet this type of people who are laidback and chill.

It seems like Winwin has already had enough of the clownery because he speaks up, “Keep the details of your sex life to yourself.” It is ironic, though, because the next statement that comes out of his mouth is something to do with sex. “Never have I ever had a threesome.”

Once again, the previous four who drank during Donghyuck’s turn finish the beer from their cups. This causes Mark to burst into laughter while Taeyong just shakes his head in amusement.

“Damn, you guys are kinky,” Hendery comments, making Mark laugh even louder.

“Are we going to ignore the fact that Johnny and Taeil had sex with a third party before?” Lucas asks rhetorically in amazement. “I mean, dude, I thought you guys were exclusive.”

Johnny rolls his eyes good-naturedly as he lets out a small chortle. “Sorry, Winwin told me to keep the details of my sex life to myself,” he says in a teasing tone. “I can’t share with you all.”

“At least, tell us who the third party is!” Taeyong exclaims. The curiosity is burning in his eyes as he looks at Johnny quizzically.

The tall guy simply clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “Nah-uh, I don’t want Winwin to kick my ass,” he responds.

That causes the birthday boy to form a small pout on his lips. Yangyang cannot help but feel his own heart flutter because Taeyong is handsome and very much attractive. Seeing him pout is doing wonders to his heartbeat because he finds it cute. He is not the only one, though, because Jaehyun and Jungwoo are already cooing.

“Just tell him!” some of the audience yell, taking the popular guy’s side.

“Nope,” Johnny replies cheekily, popping the ‘p’ sound. “Let’s move on to our last player, Nakamoto Yuta, the designated loser for today.”

Everyone laughs heartily at the diss while Yuta rolls his eyes.

“Does he even need to say his sentence?” Donghyuck asks in a teasing tone. “We all know he lost, anyway.”

“Let me have my one minute of fame, please,” Yuta replies, heaving a sigh mockingly, acting as if he has had enough of the other players’ antics.

Snorting, Johnny says, “Go ahead, bro.”

The Japanese male grins wickedly and shoots Jaehyun a knowing look. The latter arches his eyebrow quizzically but does not say a word. “Never have I ever made bets about hooking up with people,” Yuta declares, obviously proud with the statement that he has come up with.

Jaehyun scoffs but still drinks his beer without hesitation. Jungwoo follows suit. Yangyang blinks. So, what Taeil had said during their orientation is true. Some people of the popular crowd actually do place bets about getting into people’s pants. Not everyone, though. Only Jaehyun and Jungwoo, which makes a lot of sense, considering the fact that only the two of them are trying to get laid with the president of SUUS, according to his roommate.

“You do realise that this makes no difference whatsoever, right?” Jaehyun laughs. “You’re still going to have to strip and enter the pool naked.”

Yuta shrugs nonchalantly. “At least, I’ve exposed that I’m not the only one with asshole tendencies here.”

Jaehyun looks unamused at that. “I have a lot to say to that but I don’t think this is the time nor the place to be having this conversation,” he responds darkly. It is obvious now that the younger of the two is pissed off by this whole thing.

As if sensing the tense atmosphere, Mark quickly intervenes, “Come on, let’s give the floor to the others who want to play other party games. I think we’ve had enough shit for tonight.”

Johnny waves them off. “Go ahead. I’m hosting all the games, remember? My job for tonight,” he winks.

With that, one by one, the players stand up and leave the game room.

Yangyang lets out a small sigh of relief. He is honestly glad for his lack of experience when it comes to romance and sexual rendezvous. Or else, he might end up being the loser. There is no way that he wants to expose his whole body to people he does not know. He is merely a newbie. Maybe, someday, when he has more confidence and experience, he might end up being the loser.

He is glad that that day is not today.

 ***

It is three in the morning yet the party is still going on wild.

The electro dance music is still booming loudly through the speakers. People are grinding on each other on the dance floor and if Yangyang takes a closer look, he could see that they are even touching inappropriately. The sexual tension inside the bungalow is high and it seems to be fuelled by the alcohol inside their veins.

Somewhere along the way, Yangyang honestly thinks that someone has spiked the drinks because he can feel the arousal thrumming inside his body albeit slightly. He has long lost sight of Renjun as the other is nowhere to be seen. Knowing his introverted best friend, Renjun is most probably hiding himself somewhere where no one can find him in order to detox. Too much social interaction, he would say.

His housemates are nowhere to be seen too, except for Lucas. Before leaving the game room a few minutes ago, he has seen Mark sitting on Lucas’s lap as the two of them make out on the sofa. The Chinese male assumes that Lucas will not be going back to their apartment for tonight. As for Hendery and Dejun, Yangyang has not seen them ever since the game ended earlier. It does not help that the amount of people inside the bungalow seems to keep increasing, though he is uncertain whether he is seeing double due to his drunken stupor.

It is then he hears chaos at the backyard. Curious, Yangyang makes his way there and sees that many people are crowding around the pool area. Pushing his way to the front, he sees that Johnny, Yuta, Jaehyun and Jungwoo are already at the centre of attention.

“Alright, listen up,” Jaehyun yells in order for everyone to be able to hear. The noise quickly dies down. “What’s about to happen is strictly to remain here. No posting this on your social media. No videos and no photos allowed. Keep your phones inside your pockets or your bags. This is for the sake of Yuta’s privacy.”

“You know what will happen if any of you breaks the rules, right?” Jungwoo adds. His voice is soft yet there is a warning tone to it that causes people to take him seriously. “The last time someone broke _our_ rules, they ended up being a social pariah. _We_ can make that happen. So, don’t test us. Do you understand?”

Choruses of yes echo from the partygoers.

“Freshies, do you understand?” Johnny yells.

Yangyang knows that the older male is referring to him and all the newcomers. He does not say anything but he can hear the supportive ones screaming yes excitedly. This would be the first time that they witness something like this. It is an honour, really.

Hearing the agreement from everyone, Yuta takes the cue to take off his shirt slowly, revealing his toned body. He grins boyishly, knowing the effect his body has on people. As if to quench the crowd’s thirst, he flexes his arms and shrieks could be heard, reminding Yangyang of a concert.

“Look at his abs,” someone whistles.

“God, I’d love to touch his muscles,” someone else says.

Encouraged by the screams, the Japanese male pulls down his pants, revealing his black boxers. He steps away from his pants as soon as they pool at his ankles.

“Oh my God, look at those legs,” someone gushes. “It must be because he plays soccer a whole lot.”

Yangyang tries his best to maintain the cool expression on his face. He does not want to let his disgust show. It makes him feel sick to the stomach but from the way he sees it, Yuta does not even seem bothered by this. In fact, he seems to be relishing in the attention and praises that he receives.

At long last, the Japanese male gets rid of his boxers, revealing his whole body for everyone to see. Yangyang quickly averts his gaze, not wanting to look as he feels like he is invading his senior’s privacy. Besides, this is housemate’s boyfriend. He does not think that Winwin would appreciate it.

“Dude, I’m a virgin but I’d totally bend over for him and let him fuck me as he pleases,” he hears someone say.

That is the last straw. Having had enough of the crowd’s disgusting behaviours, Yangyang leaves the backyard just as he hears the loud splash, indicating that Yuta has jumped into the pool.

All the Chinese male could think about is how Winwin is able to handle _this_.

 

 


	5. five. the aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, finally a glimpse into our chinaline's lives and a non-freshman's point of view. this is honestly one of my fav chapters to write because I love chinaline's dynamics.

* * *

  _Lucas_

* * *

 

Lucas finds himself awake in a familiar room.

It takes a few moments before everything comes back to him as he blinks his eyes blearily, trying to regain his memory. He knows where he is currently. The painted blue walls, soft comfortable bed, desk at the corner of the room filled with books and pictures taped to the wall are already ingrained in his mind. He hates how easy it is for him to recognise this place. He has been here more than his own two hands could count, after all. Of course, he would remember.

In his arms lies a very familiar boy. His figure is small, compared to Lucas, and he fits right into the Chinese male’s arms. Lucas used to say that they were meant to be because of how their bodies complement each other.

Right now, though, Lucas does not know what to feel as his eyes rake over the boy’s naked state and it is then he realises that he is not wearing any clothes, either. He shifts slightly and winces as he feels the pain shooting up his ass.

Lucas wishes that he was drunk enough to forget everything that happened last night. However, each and every detail of it is still fresh inside his brain. He still remembers how he approached Mark and tried to have a conversation with him only for the latter to scurry away awkwardly, always avoiding confrontations. Afterwards, they had played the game together. They both had drunk their beer when Jungwoo said, “ _Never have I ever hooked up with my ex after we broke up_.” It is true because they did it.

This is not the first time that this, whatever _this_ is, had happened.

Every time there was a party during the last six months, Lucas always found himself waking up in Mark’s bed in his bungalow in Cheongdamdong. He would like to blame it on the alcohol that the both of them had consumed but Lucas does not get drunk easily even though Mark is a lightweight. That did not stop him from letting Mark do whatever he wanted when he was drunk. In fact, he indulged in the Canadian male’s desires.

Last night was amazing, if Lucas has to be completely honest. After the game, Mark had drunk a few more cups of alcohol and then sought him out. Lucas likes to think that the only reason his ex does that every time he gets drunk is because Lucas is a source of comfort for him. Mark _trusts_ him, even after they broke up, and Lucas is simply a fool in love and tries to get as much as he could from his former lover.

It always started with a simple “I miss you”. Mark tends to get braver when he is inebriated, the alcohol surging his courage. So, it started with Mark coming over to Lucas with so much sadness pooling in his eyes. He threw his arms around Lucas’s neck and whispered, “ _I miss you. I miss you so fucking much_.”

Even though the rational part of his brain screamed at him that Mark was probably drunk and did not know what he was doing, Lucas always found his heart aching and wanting more. So, he ignored all logic and kissed his ex. Slowly, things got intense and he always ended up where he is right now; in Mark’s bed, naked, with the said boy in his arms.

As Lucas holds the small figure in his arms, he takes a look at Mark’s face, wanting to admire the familiar shape. It feels like it has been a long time since he last looked at his ex’s face. Nothing much has changed, honestly, except for the fact that it seems like his ex has lost some weight. Lucas still thinks that Mark is the most beautiful human being ever, though. His eyelashes lay over his eyes prettily and his prominent high cheekbones only serve to add to his beauty.

His heart aches.

It has been six months since that fateful day when they broke up. Everyone was really shocked by the news because the two of them were the _It_ couple, aside from Johnny and Taeil. It happened with no warning. No one saw it coming because they always seemed to be perfectly happy. They bantered a lot and had never gotten into any major arguments. Where there was Mark, there was Lucas. They were two peas in a pod.

The Chinese male thinks about the first time that they had done this before. No, not the hooking up after breaking up part. The making love for the first time since they got together. Mark was the one who brought the idea up, honestly, which was really surprising because everyone knows that the said boy is usually shy when it comes to stuff like this.

“ _We’ve been dating for three months but you’ve never once taken things further with me_ ,” Mark had brought up the subject casually. The two of them were inside Mark’s room at FS. They were studying together even though they had no common subjects. Mark had his dance history book on his lap while Lucas was reading his chemistry book.

That sentence caused the Chinese male to look up from his book and arched an eyebrow questioningly. “ _Do we have to talk about this right now?_ ” he asked, mostly because he was concentrating on revising his favourite subject.

Mark pouted. He closed his book and then proceeded to grab the chemistry book out from Lucas’s hands which caused the latter to protest. However, knowing that Lucas was whipped, Mark had pointedly ignored the protests because he knew Lucas would give in.

Sure enough, Lucas emitted a soft sigh, finally giving in. “ _Mark, do you want to have sex with me?_ ” he questioned directly, tilting his head to the side.

The smaller male blushed furiously at that. He grabbed a pillow and threw it at Lucas’s head. The latter simply caught the pillow and laughed.

“ _What? You were the one who talked about this first_ ,” Lucas defended himself, still laughing.

“ _Yes, but not_ explicitly,” Mark hissed, flustered.

Lucas chuckled again in amusement and pulled his lover onto his lap, circling his arms around Mark’s waist tightly and resting his chin on the smaller male’s shoulder. “ _I’ll be gentle, don’t worry_ ,” he murmured softly as he rubbed Mark’s back gently.

The Canadian male pulled away slightly to look at Lucas in the eyes, trying to convey a message. Lucas got it before his boyfriend could even speak. “ _I’m a virgin_ ,” Mark admitted quietly, confirming what Lucas had been thinking about. “ _I want my first time to be special. With someone I trust._ ”

“ _I know_ ,” Lucas responded. “ _That was why I’ve never brought this up. I love you for who you are. I don’t mind if we date without the sex part. I want to be with you in whatever way I can. I’m not dating you just to get into your pants._ ”

Mark’s eyes softened visibly and he pressed a chaste kiss on Lucas’s lips briefly. “ _Shut up. I love you_.”

“ _I love you so much more_ ,” Lucas replied cheekily, causing his boyfriend to flick his forehead.

That was back then, though. Thinking about it now makes Lucas’s heart twist and turn in pain. He misses those happy days. He misses all the time that they spent together. Those were good memories that he would forever cherish. However, every time that he thinks about everything, he feels like crying due to the memories of what was and what could never be again. He feels like he is tainting all these good memories with his heartache. He does not want to remember his relationship with Mark as one that caused him pain. No, he really refuses to let it be that way because he was truly happy with Mark in a way that nothing else had ever made him feel this way.

Everything was perfect. Sure, they had their disagreements but they always managed to work them out just fine because they believed in communication. They talked things out calmly every time they had issues regarding each other and always came to a compromise because they understood each other and tried to see the problem from the other person’s point of view. Mark even lost his virginity to Lucas because he trusted Lucas enough to let him have the honour of being his _first_. Knowing Mark, he probably has not lain with any other person aside from Lucas ever since their relationship came to an end.

Lucas hates that whatever they had has now come to _this_. They started off as good friends and then turned into lovers and now they are back to being strangers who occasionally have sex simply because they miss each other. Lucas detests it so much because he feels like this is becoming an ugly end to a beautiful beginning. He wants his ending with Mark to be something good, not this kind of angst. Not something that keeps him awake late at night, wishing that things were different. Not something that is bound to ruin them.

It is not like he could stop himself, though. Every single part of him still loves Mark dearly. A day has not passed where he does not think of the Canadian male. It is really pathetic, if Lucas thinks about it. However, he refuses to let himself think about his current situation because he knows what he wants. He knows _who_ he wants, even if he cannot have him. Even if they are not meant to be.

Mark’s eyes fly open.

“Xuxi,” he breathes as soon as he wakes up, as if he is unable to believe that the Chinese male is right here with him.

Lucas feels his own heart ache even more at that. Xuxi, that is his Mandarin name. Only Mark calls him that because he finds it cute. Other people usually call him by his Cantonese name, Yukhei, or his self-made English nickname, Lucas. Xuxi is like a special name that is only for Mark to utter.

The Canadian male closes his eyes and snuggles closer to Lucas. The Chinese male could only smile fondly. It is ironic, really, how pliant Mark is right now. Last night was a different story. Last night, Mark had demanded control and asserted his dominance over Lucas, which is something that is extremely rare. It only happens when Mark is stressed and feels like his life is out of his control. Mark is usually submissive in nature, always going with the flow and avoiding arguments because he hates to be involved in conflicts. Something must have happened for him to act that way the night before but Lucas does not dare to ask what. They do not have that kind of relationship anymore.

The Chinese male counts inside his head how many seconds it takes before realisation dawns on Mark. He is on his thirtieth count when Mark opens his eyes abruptly once again. Panic flashes in his eyes and he tries to wriggle out of Lucas’s arms. The latter simply tightens his grip, wanting to hold his former lover a little bit longer.

“Five minutes,” he requests pleadingly. “Can we just pretend for five minutes that we’re still dating and are perfectly happy?”

His words cause Mark to stop struggling in his arms. “Xuxi,” he trails off, obviously taken aback by the request. It is the first time that Lucas has ever said anything like this. Usually, Lucas would get off the bed and leave the bungalow before Mark could even wake up. Today is nothing like usual, though. Last night, something changed when Jungwoo uttered his statement during ‘Never Have I Ever’.

As if sensing the change between them, Mark leans forward to press his lips against Lucas’s gently. It should be disgusting, considering the fact that the both of them have not even brushed their teeth but Lucas does not mind it. He reciprocates the kiss and then the Canadian male pulls away. The kiss has caused the Chinese male to relax and loosen his grip on Mark and the latter takes advantage of it to get out of the hold that Lucas had trapped him in.

Lucas sighs as he lets Mark go, unable to do anything about it. He watches as his ex-boyfriend walks towards the wardrobe, stepping over the strewn clothes from last night on the floor, and grabs his bathrobe. Mark is putting on his bathrobe when he says, “This was a mistake. It can never happen again.”

Although Lucas has seen it coming, the words still have the same effect. They still pierce his heart just the same. “ _You_ came to me,” he points out softly. He knows that he is being petty right now but he cannot help it.

“I know,” Mark says as he ties the sash to his bathrobe. Then, he runs his fingers through his soft black hair in exasperation. “I shouldn’t have.”

Tears unexpectedly begin to pool in Lucas’s eyes. He blinks them away quickly, not wanting to be caught crying in his ex’s bed right in front of said ex. It is too late, though. Mark has seen the tears. Concern flashes in his eyes for a moment but it quickly disappears. Their relationship has changed. He is in no way obligated to give comfort to Lucas.

But Lucas still hopes, anyway.

His hope crashes when Mark speaks in a controlled voice, “ _You_ were the one who ended our relationship, Lucas.” _Lucas_ , he said. Not Xuxi.

What he said is true. Lucas turns away as he remembers that fateful day when he uttered the words to Mark. He remembers clearly how Mark had begged him to stay. “ _We could make this work somehow_ ,” he had pleaded with tears in his eyes. But Lucas was adamant about breaking up so they went on their separate ways.

“You’ve never asked me why,” Lucas responds quietly, trying his best not to let his voice break. He is naked, for goodness sake. He is naked and on his ex’s bed. This is no way a decent place to cry.

Mark blinks at that. Then, he heaves a sigh. “I’m not having this conversation with you right now,” he tells him firmly. “Not when you’re on my bed with no clothes on and I’m here,” he gestures towards himself, “only in my bathrobe and nothing underneath. Not when we just woke up after we had sex the night before.”

If this were in a totally different situation, Lucas would have laughed and made a joke out of this. This whole thing is ludicrous, really. But Lucas’s heart is breaking and Mark is trying to keep himself together. It is not a laughing matter.

“You’ve never asked me _why_ ,” the Chinese male repeats stubbornly, enunciating every word clearly.

That seems to do it for Mark. The next thing he knows, his former lover’s tears have already spilled. “I don’t need to,” he bursts out, unable to control himself. “My mom asked to meet with you. You went even though I _clearly_ told you to let me handle it. She pushed you to end it with me and you did.”

Lucas sits up on the bed and he reaches out as if to comfort Mark then stops himself. It is not his place anymore. They are nothing now. They are not even friends anymore. They are just past lovers. Keyword: _past_.

“You made it sound like I didn’t love you enough to make it work with you,” the Chinese male says flatly, almost disappointed. They spent six months together. It is sad to know that Mark doubts his love for him.

“You didn’t,” Mark replies in a clipped tone. He is trying to wipe the tears away but they keep coming, not letting him catch a break.

Lucas looks up at him in disbelief. The betrayal is clear in his eyes. His heart breaks into even smaller pieces than before. “How could you say that?” he asks sharply, raising his voice. “After _everything_ , how could you say that?”

“Because it’s true,” the Canadian male insists stubbornly, not backing down. “You didn’t love me enough to fight for me. I’d fight for you, you know that? I’d try to find another way for us to be together. I’d fucking do _anything_ as long as you were with me.” At this point of time, Mark has given up on trying to make his tears go away. He is just standing there in his bathrobe as tears stream down his cheeks. Even then, Lucas still finds him beautiful.

The Chinese male keeps quiet for a moment, trying to process everything. Every time he thinks about it, he finds himself still coming to the same decision. Even if he could turn back the time, he would still break up with Mark. It is something inevitable. They are simply not meant to be and he respects that even though his heart is filled with longing, even though he keeps coming back to Mark in order to get a taste of something he lost.

“I love you enough to let you go when I need to,” Lucas says quietly, at last. “I love you enough to respect your mom’s wishes. I love you enough to let you go so you wouldn’t have to fight against your own _parents_. I don’t want you to be one of those children who rebel against their parents and end up living miserably. I don’t want that for you. I love you enough that I want the very best for you even if it costs me heartbreak and longing.”

Mark’s response only breaks his heart further, though. “I know,” he says softly. Then, he reaches out to cup Lucas’s cheek gently. A sad smile makes its way to his lips. “That’s why I’ve never asked, Xuxi. I _know_.”

The thing is, Lucas knows Mark like the back of his hand. Mark is the same for him. They know each other very well. They can read each other’s feelings easily. Just like how Lucas knows that Mark has been stressed lately, Mark knows all the reasons why Lucas does the things that he does. Mark has never needed any explanation. Just like how Mark knows that Lucas is still holding on to him because they keep seeking each other out in parties, Lucas knows that _this_ , whatever this is, is coming to an end today. From the moment when he first stepped into the bungalow last night and met Mark’s eyes only for the latter to avert his gaze quickly, he knew that everything would stop. Something, or someone, had spoken some sense into the Canadian male’s mind. Knowing his former lover, the only person who could make him listen is Donghyuck.

“We can’t keep on being each other’s _vice_ , Xuxi,” Mark goes on in the same soft tone. He is stroking Lucas’s cheek lightly with his thumb. “Hendery’s right, you know. There’s no use in watering dead flowers anymore. So, I’m letting you go now. You’ve let me go a long time ago but I’m holding you back from truly moving on. That won’t happen anymore. You’re free now. I’ll truly let you go now, I promise.” Then, he retracts his hand, smiles wistfully and leaves the room, leaving Lucas alone.

He has seen this coming so it should not be hurting him this much. It is something expected, after all. But it still hurts just the same.

For the first time in ages, Lucas buries his face into his hands and lets the tears come.

 ***

It is two in the afternoon when Lucas drags his feet back to his shared apartment.

Truth be told, he does not want to go back here. He feels like he is not ready to face his housemates, or anyone else, after what happened with Mark. He just wants to drown himself in his thoughts miserably and cry his eyes out. However, he does not really feel like being alone because the loneliness would only hurt him even more so he forces himself to go back. He is in need of some sort of a distraction.

He is currently dressed in last night’s clothes. He used the shower at Mark’s place after Mark had disappeared to clean all the remnants from last night from his body. Seeing that he did not bring extra clothes with him and that there was no way he could borrow from his ex, considering that he is significantly taller than him and the fact that Mark is his, well, _ex_ , he put on his jeans and button-down long-sleeved shirt.

Lucas stops right in front of the door to the apartment for a second. He takes in a deep breath to calm himself down and tries to shake off the thoughts of what happened earlier. Then, he inserts his key and opens the door. “I’m back,” he announces, trying to sound as cheerful as possible, as he takes off his shoes and places them on the shoe rack before proceeding to enter the apartment. The door clicks shut behind him.

“Hey, Lucas,” Ten greets with a smile on his lips. He is currently sitting on the couch with his phone in his hand, probably scrolling through his social media platforms. He runs his fingers through his blonde hair lightly.

The Chinese male’s face lights up as soon as he sees Ten and he immediately rushes to claim the space next to him. Lucas lays his head on Ten’s lap and swings his legs up to splay them across the couch. He beams at Ten, instantly feeling better. The Thai male chuckles in response but does not question the sudden clinginess, probably used to Lucas’s strange antics.

Although Ten lives alone in a luxurious apartment, he tends to come over to Double C to hang out with the tenants, especially since he is very close with Kun. Everyone welcomes his presence warmly as he is friendly and enjoys teasing everyone relentlessly.

“Where’s everyone?” Lucas asks as he closes his eyes when Ten starts threading his fingers through the former’s hair lightly.

“Well,” Ten begins to say. “Hendery, Dejun and Yangyang are still asleep, probably still tired because of last night. Winwin isn’t home yet and Kun–”

His sentence cuts off midway when Kun exits his room, looking annoyed. He is holding his phone right next to his ear, obviously talking to someone on the other line. “Look, I can’t simply take down the post just because you said so. I’d have to discuss with the other members of SUUS first and see if it goes against any of our rules and regulations because, from the way I see it, there isn’t any form of cyber-bullying involved. It is merely someone sharing gossip. Just because they’re popular doesn’t mean–” Kun stops himself mid-sentence as his eyebrows furrow, listening to what the other person is saying.

“Yes, obviously, I’ve deleted the video of Yuta skinny-dipping from the site. That post contained nudity, it was against the rules. As for the other post–”

Lucas opens his eyes and looks up at Ten quizzically. Ten looks slightly amused by the whole situation because it is rare to see Kun all worked up over something.

“What’s going on?” the taller of the two whispers softly, not wanting to disturb whatever conversation that Kun is having with the other person.

Ten looks down at Lucas and grins devilishly. “Congratulations! You got featured on UOS Confessions,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows playfully.

Alarmed, Lucas quickly sits up and narrows his eyes warily. UOS Confessions is a part of the official University of Seoul’s website. It is managed by the student union as they make sure that all the posts follow the rules; no explicit content, no cussing, no hate posts and so on. Students are allowed to post anything there anonymously as a means to express themselves with the condition that they do not abuse the power of anonymity. They tend to use the website to spread harmless gossip such as who is dating who, who is hooking up with who. Knowing that he is mentioned in a post for gossip does not sit well with him.

Ten takes one look at Lucas’s face before clicking something on his phone. Then, he hands over his phone so that the Chinese male would be able to read the post while Kun is still arguing on the phone. He begins reading.

 

_Taeyong’s birthday party isn’t called the party of the year for a reason. Guess what? A lot of juicy gossips were spilled last night. I, being the most considerate person ever, am going to share with all of you all the details that we heard in order to keep everyone up with the time!_

_So, first of all, have you guys seen the newbie that hung out with Mark? Yes, the one with the red hair. I heard his name is Lee Donghyuck and, goddamn, he’s so handsome. Apparently, he is close enough with Mark and the popular crowd that he helped to prepare for the party. Like, dude, only close friends were invited to the preparation and yet this newbie came? They must be really close. Does this mean we have an addition to the popular crowd already? Hopefully, the new guy isn’t as messy as the rest of them. But hanging out with them would surely mean that he’d end up being just like them, right? What a waste. I like his friend, though. Jeno, I think, is his name? He has the sweetest smile ever. Check out his Instagram @leejenojam!_

_Next, let’s talk about Lucas and Mark, our old couple goals. Everyone and their mothers know that these two used to date last year. Who am I kidding? They were the most popular couple on campus, after Johnny and Taeil. No one knows why they broke up. I mean, we’ve all heard rumours about Mark’s homophobic family, though I dare not say if it’s true. But, apparently, these two just confirmed that they had been hooking up here and there, even after their breakup. Not to mention that they were seen making out with each other last night and Mark had brought Lucas upstairs, probably to his room, to do you-know-what. So, yup. It’s confirmed! They’re not over each other yet, so, tough luck to those of you who are trying to woo Mark. His heart still belongs to Lucas. That’s okay, I guess. We all love them as a couple._

_That isn’t the only big news here, though. Let’s go on to the next hot topic which is: Jungwoo and Yuta cheated on their partners before! Like, I mean, yeah, we all know that Yuta is a playboy so it isn’t really a surprise. He cheated on my friend before, so, yeah. But Jungwoo? Damn. Is this why he rarely dates people and chooses to sleep around, instead? Well, at least, he wasn’t proud of his mistake._

_Moving on. Let’s talk about the president of SUUS, shall we? We all thought that he was a nerd. Also, a prude. Don’t be fooled. He’s definitely not a virgin. And he hooks up with people too. He admitted to hooking up with strangers before. This is obviously unexpected because he hates, like, literally everyone. Except for Mark and Taeyong, probably. But even then, still. He actually has a ‘love’ life. Sorry, I want to say the three-letter word that starts with ‘s’ and ends with ‘x’ but I don’t want this post to be deleted for being explicit._

_Anyway, I saved the best for the last! And, trust me when I say that this is probably the juiciest gossip that you’ve heard all your life. It’s about our beloved birthday boy himself. Are you ready to hear it?_

_So, apparently, Taeyong and Yuta are Married. Married with a capital M to emphasise on it. Keyword: are. Yes, they’re still married because they have never gotten a divorce. Remember freshman year when Yuta and Taeyong were ‘dating’? Well, they’ve been married since before they even entered university. We all know that the trio, Taeyong, Johnny and Yuta, took a year break. So, they went to Canada and Taeyong and Yuta got married there. So, yes. They are husbands. They’re still husbands even though Yuta is dating Winwin now. Does this mean that Yuta is sort of cheating on Taeyong? I don’t know, man. It’s up to you to judge._

_It’s such a waste, though. So many people would kill in order to be married to Taeyong but Yuta took it for granted, yeah? I wonder what Taeyong feels about Yuta dating his own friend. I wonder what Winwin feels about his boyfriend being married to his own friend. This is so complicated, oh my goodness. If I were Taeyong, I wouldn’t be able to stay friends with my husband and watch him date someone else other than me. I don’t know. It just feels so wrong, I guess._

_Whatever it is, I hope that everyone would end up happy!_

_Well wishes,_

_Anonymous_

“What the actual fuck?” Lucas exclaims in disbelief as soon as he is done reading the incredulous post. He gives Ten back his phone, still trying to process everything. Honestly, he finds it creepy that someone has noticed everything about the game last night. The game was an hour long and the players had their own private jokes and whatnot. Most people were already uninterested after five minutes. The fact that someone had watched them for the whole hour creeps the Chinese male out.

Ten shrugs in response. “Someone posted a video of Yuta stripping and jumping into the pool too but Kun took it down ASAP,” he says.

Lucas winces as soon as he hears the news. It must have been someone from the new batch, trying to stir up problems. Those who have been studying in University of Seoul knows that no one messes with the popular crowd and gets away with it. “Jaehyun won’t be happy about that,” he comments softly. “Like, really not happy. Like, one hundred percent sure that he’ll be pissed off.”

The Thai male laughs at the elaboration and shakes his head. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “A pissed off Jaehyun isn’t a pretty sight. He’ll be sure to abuse his power as a member of the student union.”

Lucas snorts at that. “Okay, but Yuta and Jaehyun seemed to be having a feud, though,” he tells the blonde-haired male informatively. “They kept throwing shades at each other last night. I think it has something to do with Winwin.”

Ten simply rolls his eyes, completely unbothered by the information. “They’re always like that,” he waves it off flippantly. “The popular crowd fight a lot among themselves but they’re really tight. They consider one another as brothers. Haven’t you heard of the quote, ‘me against my brother. My brother against me. Me and my brother against the world’?”

The Chinese male laughs but chooses not to say anything in response. Instead, he turns to look at Kun who is pacing back and forth, still holding his phone. The older male eventually hangs up and lets out a loud sigh.

“Yukhei, may I borrow your laptop?” Kun says as soon as he has regained his composure. “My laptop broke down a week ago. I need to Skype with the other members to discuss this whole issue. Everyone is too knocked out from the party to meet up.”

Lucas nods, giving his permission immediately. “Sure. You can use my room too, if you want. Wouldn’t want Yangyang to wake up, right?”

Kun smiles at him gratefully and the two of them head over to Lucas’s and Winwin’s shared room. The younger male switches on his laptop that has been left unused on his desk and gestures for Kun to sit down on his chair. Kun takes a seat as Lucas types in his password then lets his laptop face the older male.

“Don’t forget to log out your account as soon as you’re done,” Lucas reminds, grinning. “Unless, of course, you want me to see all of your messages on Skype.” He wiggles his eyebrows for good measure, causing Kun to roll his eyes in mild irritation.

“I have nothing to hide,” the other male replies airily, shrugging nonchalantly.

The younger of the two simply raises his eyebrow dubiously as Kun is typing on his laptop. “I know all the kinky shit you and Ten are into,” he shoots back in a singsong voice.

Kun does not bother to give a response as he rolls his eyes dismissively and immediately joins the video call. Seeing that this is a confidential matter, Lucas does not want to linger where he is unwanted. So, he heads towards his wardrobe in order to grab some clothes. He definitely needs another shower. Wearing last night’s clothes makes him feel unclean.

“Is everyone here yet?” Lucas hears a familiar voice say. It is no doubt that that is the president of SUUS’s voice.

“Mark isn’t,” Jungwoo replies, his soft voice makes it obvious who is talking.

Lucas pauses, suddenly feeling curious. He takes his own sweet time to look for his favourite sweatpants and T-shirt inside his wardrobe, intending to eavesdrop on the conversation.

“Yeah, I tried calling him ten times already but he didn’t pick up. He switched his phone off, I think,” Johnny pipes up.

“It’s fine,” Doyoung sighs. “Let the guy rest. I’m sure he’s exhausted from all the work he’s been doing. Besides, this meeting can go on without him.”

Lucas feels a surge of satisfaction as he realises that what happened affects his past lover as much as it is affecting him. At least, he knows that Mark cares. He is not the only devastated over the loss of their relationship.

Seeing that the subject has now changed to the matter at hand, Lucas quickly grabs his clothes and towel before leaving the room.

 ***

Winwin rarely hangs out with them lately. Lucas knows that the older male is usually out with his other friends and tends to sleep over at Yuta’s place often. That is why Lucas barely sees Winwin around even though they are roommates. So, when Winwin has agreed to go out with them to IKEA, as Yangyang and his best friend, Renjun, are looking for furniture that they need, Lucas intends to take advantage of it.

The thing is, before Winwin started getting involved with the popular crowd, Lucas used to seek him out for advice whenever he felt like things were getting out of his control. He still does that at times when Winwin is around, even though it is not as often as it used to be. Winwin is like the older brother he looks up to. He is full of wise words and is never afraid to keep things real.

Hence, as soon as the seven of them have arrived at IKEA, Lucas links his arm with Winwin, not wanting to let go. The older male raises his eyebrow quizzically but chooses not to comment on it. He lets it be even though he is known to hate skin contact with people, probably knowing that something is up. They walk around the enormous furniture store, admiring all the beautiful bedroom set-ups.

“What exactly are you looking for?” Kun asks the two youngest of the group, after a few minutes of exploring the store.

“A study table, chair, laundry bag and closet,” Renjun lists down the things he needs without a pause.

Lucas shoots the smaller male an impressed look. Renjun definitely comes prepared. It is totally the opposite of Yangyang who is currently playing around at the store with Hendery. They are casually lying down on the bed under the pretence of ‘testing’ it out. Dejun is telling them to get off the bed and start behaving like adults but, of course, they ignore him. On normal days, Lucas would have joined them fooling around but he has a lot on his mind so he chooses not to participate. He is looking for a chance to drag Winwin to somewhere private so he could talk with the older male without any listening ears.

“Yangyang really should learn from you. All mature and prepared,” Kun sighs, shaking his head.

Yangyang whips his head as soon as he hears his name being mentioned. “I heard that!” he yells. He sits up and grabs the pillow he was lying on and is about to throw it at Kun in retaliation. Luckily, Dejun quickly snatches the pillow away.

“No, Yangyang, no,” Dejun says, trying to come off as intimidating but his soft looks fail him.

The younger of the two simply laughs and nudges Hendery. “Give me your pillow. I want to start a pillow fight with Kun because he practically called me immature,” he grins.

Hendery snorts and is about to sit up but one look from Dejun causes him to backtrack. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. We might get kicked out of here,” he says. “Come on, let’s look for the things you need.”

Lucas laughs softly as he sees that everyone is trying to get Yangyang to behave. The youngest of them is honestly a handful. He is playful brat who enjoys teasing and getting on everyone’s nerves but no one is able to get mad at him because he would smile angelically at them afterwards, acting all innocent. It is safe to say that everyone in Double C is very much fond of their new housemate.

It is then he takes the opportunity to say, “I’m hungry. Winwin and I will meet you all at the food court once you’re done shopping.” Without waiting for anyone to say anything, he quickly drags Winwin away from the rest of them. Lucas lets go of their linked arms as soon as they are a safe distance away from the others.

They walk in comfortable silence as they head over to the food court, as mentioned. Lucas takes him time to choose his food as he is thinking about how to approach the subject with Winwin before settling on pasta and Pepsi. Winwin chooses to buy fried rice and a bottle of mineral water. They pay for their food and sit down at an empty table.

None of them talk as they begin to dig in. Lucas was not lying when he said that he was hungry. He is halfway through his food when Winwin speaks up, “So, what’s on your mind?”

The younger of the two ignores the question and continues eating instead. Knowing that Lucas needs some time before he could voice it out, Winwin does not press on the matter and focuses on his own food. It is when Lucas has finally finished all of his food that he feels ready to share with the older male what is bothering him.

“Mark and I hooked up two nights ago at Taeyong’s birthday party,” Lucas says quietly.

Winwin looks up from his food and raises an eyebrow. “What’s new?” he replies. “I’m pretty sure that all of Mark’s friends and our housemates are aware of that fact. It’s not like it’s the first time that this happened, anyway.”

The younger male huffs, trying to hide his embarrassment. Although he has never told anyone about what has been going on between him and Mark after their relationship ended, he knows that it is pretty obvious and most people have figured it out already. That does not mean that he likes being called out on it, though.

“He told me he wanted to stop,” Lucas says quietly. “He does not want this to go on anymore. He told me he would truly let me go.”

The older of the two does not say anything for a moment as he chews on his food thoughtfully. Then, Winwin takes a sip of his mineral water before saying, “That’s a good thing.”

Lucas’s face contorts in displeasure at that. His lips form a pout. “I know,” he says weakly. “It’s just that I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.”

“Of course, it would hurt,” Winwin chastises in a gentle tone. “You love him with the whole of your heart. You guys came to an end because of his parents, not because one of you falls out of love or any sort of argument. Of course, it would hurt you like hell.”

The younger male sighs softly and buries his face into his hands. “I just don’t know what to do,” he mumbles. “I spent a year with Mark as my constant. I don’t know if I’m able to live without him.”

The older male reaches forward to pull his hands away from his face. Then, Winwin flicks Lucas’s forehead causing the younger to whine in pain.

“Cut it out,” Winwin tells him firmly. “You spent most of your life without Mark. Surely, you could survive without him now.”

“It’s not easy,” Lucas responds. “Mark was my pillar of support. I was really happy with him.”

Winwin emits a soft sigh. Then, he grabs Lucas’s hand and squeezes it sympathetically. “I know, Yukhei,” he softens his voice. “But it’s been six months since you guys broke up. Don’t you think that it’s time to stop holding on to the past? This isn’t healthy for you and him. You guys need to stop torturing yourselves like this. It would only bring you more pain. Move on with your life, Lucas.”

The Chinese male sighs as he listens to what Winwin says. He hates how wise his roommate is, sometimes. “How is he holding up?” Lucas whispers, choosing not to respond to the latter’s wise words.

“Still uncontactable,” Winwin shrugs as he eats another spoonful of his fried rice.

“Is it bad that I like the fact that this is affecting him as much as it’s affecting me?” Lucas voices out in a meek voice, peering at the older male as he fears that Winwin would judge him for feeling that way.

However, Winwin simply shakes his head. “I think that’s normal,” he says nonchalantly. He does not elaborate on that, though.

The younger male’s shoulders slump as he thinks about it. Winwin is right. It is time for him to move on instead of clinging to the past. He would only hurt himself more if whatever he and Mark had goes on. This is for the best. Besides, there is nothing holding him back from moving on anymore. He still had hope for their relationship because Mark kept seeking him out. Now that his past lover said he would not do that any longer, it is time to let go.

It hurts a lot, though. Lucas can feel the ache gnawing inside his heart. His relationship with Mark is the best relationship he had ever been in. It sucks that he has to let it go simply because Mark’s parents disapprove of it. They were happily dating for six months but they had to come to an end as soon as his parents found out about it. Mark’s mother had tried to contact Lucas a lot of times but the latter had ignored it, believing that Mark would handle it like he said he would.

Unfortunately, Mark’s mother had her ways to meet him. It was not a surprise, considering the fact that his ex-lover’s family is wealthy, after all. That meeting with his mother changed Lucas’s mind. Mark’s mother did not say anything particularly pitiful or intimidating. She simply explained why she disapproved of their relationship and it had nothing to do with Lucas as a person. The Chinese male respected that. He understood where she was coming from. So, he broke up with Mark.

It was not like he wanted to. It was simply something he needed to do for someone he loves with the whole of his heart. He cannot bear to see Mark fighting with his parents for the sake of their relationship. Perhaps, it is because he is Chinese and it is in his culture to obey his parents. He would always put his parents first before anyone else. He does not want Mark to end up being unfilial to his parents. He loves Mark enough not to let his ex-boyfriend do that. Parents’ approval is important to Lucas, especially since he has always been an obedient child. He just wants Mark to live without any conflict with his parents. Is it so wrong?

Mark and he are not meant to be and he should start accepting that. It is time to move on. Shaking his thoughts off, he offers a grateful smile to his confidante. “Thank you,” he says softly.

Winwin returns the smile. He opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by a loud voice yelling excitedly, “Winwin! Lucas!”

Lucas turns his head and laughs as he sees Yangyang running towards them, beaming happily. Renjun is hiding his face in embarrassment while Kun laughs at their youngest’s antics. Hendery smiles affectionately while Dejun holds his head, acting as if he is having a headache.

Yangyang immediately sits next to Lucas and starts telling them what he has bought. The rest of the group join them after a few moments.

“My god,” Renjun says as soon as he sits down, obviously exasperated. “You don’t even know how embarrassed I am right now.”

Hendery bursts into laughter at that. “You should’ve seen Renjun’s face when Yangyang tried to act cute to the cashier into giving him a discount,” he tells Lucas and Winwin.

Yangyang’s lips form a small pout. “I’ve seen idols doing it during variety shows and it always works!” he exclaims defensively.

Renjun rolls his eyes at that. “We all know variety shows are scripted, dumbass,” he jabs.

His best friend gasps, scandalised. “Not necessarily,” he objects. “Some aren’t, though.”

The two best friends then begin to get into a debate about Korean variety shows. Lucas laughs in amusement as he hears their pointless arguments and no one seems to bother breaking them up before it gets even more heated. It seems like they are used to it already as Dejun facepalms himself and Hendery shakes his head before dragging Kun to grab some food.

“I have a question,” Lucas interrupts them, not wanting to listen to ridiculous arguments anymore. The two of them look at him with raised eyebrows. “What’s your favourite Korean variety show?” he asks, trying to stop them from continuing with their discussion.

“None,” Renjun replies immediately without missing a beat. “Why would I like fake shows?”

Yangyang glares at him. “I just told you that not all of them are scripted,” he says.

Renjun shrugs. “From what I see, all of them are definitely scripted.”

“Okay, what they need to do is obviously scripted but that doesn’t mean that what they say is scripted too.”

“Still scripted.”

“No. Their _dialogues_ aren’t scripted.”

“But their actions are.”

“Look–”

Lucas quickly tunes out their argument, not wanting to hear anymore. He finds it amusing, though, because Renjun seems like someone calm so it is funny to see him banter with Yangyang. He guesses that this is exactly why they are best friends although there is a stark difference between them. His mind begins to drift towards his memories with Mark. He remembers that they used to banter a lot like this too. He remembers how–

He cuts his own thoughts off. Nope. Not right now. Not ever. Time to move on and stop living in the past.

 _This is what’s best for me_ , he tells himself determinedly. It is time to let go, now.

 

 


	6. six. of old friends and issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me for not updating in such a long time. I've been really busy these days and haven't had the time to write.

* * *

  _Johnny_

* * *

 

Sometimes, Johnny thinks that he is the luckiest man alive.

How could he not, really? He does not know what good deed he did before to deserve all the wonderful things in life but he likes to think that he had probably pleased a deity in his previous life because he is living with good fortune in this life. He was bornt with a silver spoon in his mouth and has never felt an ounce of difficulty when it comes to financial problems. He has seen videos online about poverty so he always makes sure not to take his wealth for granted and tends to donate every so often as a way to show his gratefulness.

Another thing that makes him feel fortunate is the fact that he met the love of his life when he was sixteen and has been with him since then. Of course, it has not been easy, if he has to be completely honest. They fell in love when they were mere teenagers who had no idea what love was. It was only natural for them to get into a lot of fights, especially since they were still trying to figure out all this relationship stuff together. One thing was certain, though. Taeil and he have always been sure that they want to make it work out with each other, so, despite all of their issues, they would always try to come to a compromise.

So, here they are now. Eight years into the relationship and Johnny is still very much in love with the older male. Everyone says that relationships would get stale over time but Johnny does not really feel it because the two of them experience everything _together_. They watched each other grow up and become more mature over time. From being an overly possessive person, Johnny has changed into someone more understanding. Back then, he used to get irrationally jealous of all of Taeil’s friends. It usually caused them to fight a whole lot but as time passed, he eventually came to the realisation that there was nothing to be jealous of. He trusts Taeil and he knows that Taeil trusts him too. As long as they are true to each other, other people do not matter.

It also helps that they are both very open-minded when it comes to sex. There are always new things to try, ranging from the harmless kinks to the hardcore ones. It keeps the excitement going, making him look forward to every lovemaking session because they enjoy exploring different kind of kinks. If one of them dislikes a particular thing after trying it out, it would immediately be dropped without further discussion. Of course, there are days when they would rather stick to vanilla sex for the intimacy. It all depends on their moods so every time is definitely different.

Johnny finds pleasure in knowing what makes the older male preen and what gets him off. He enjoys giving pleasure to his lover and hearing the sinful sounds that Taeil makes. If that is not heaven, then, Johnny does not know what is. He finds it funny how people were really flabbergasted by the fact that they had a threesome before.

Truth be told, Johnny had never considered a threesome during the whole of their relationship. It was Taeil who brought the idea up because it was something that he wanted to try. It took Johnny a few weeks to ponder about it before agreeing to it. Although his possessive nature has been tamed, a part of him still flares in jealousy when he thinks about someone else’s hands touching the older male. He hates it. It brings out something ugly in him.

He does not know what exactly made him agree to the threesome. Perhaps, it is his own masochism that caused him to say yes. Besides, if he despised it, they could always not try it out again. It would be a one-time thing. However, it was unexpected how much he ended up enjoying it. He absolutely loves how he could show and teach someone else the things that Taeil loves, like how the older male likes it when kisses are being pressed against his neck down to his chest, or how his guilty pleasure is edging, loving his own orgasm denial multiple times before finally being able to release after much begging and tears streaming down his cheeks.

Johnny also loves how he could take his frustration out on his lover, afterwards. When the third party has left, he would always flip Taeil so that he would be lying on his stomach and then fuck him as rough as he wants and whisper degrading stuff into his ears, knowing full well that it would only increase the intensity of pleasure for the older male.

Fuck. Thinking about it now is slowly making Johnny feel aroused and now is definitely not the appropriate time.

Johnny quickly shakes his head, hoping to get rid of all the nasty thoughts inside his head. Instead, he chooses to focus on his lover who is sitting at the corner in the library with his textbook in hand. Taeil furrows his eyebrows, deep in concentration. The sight brings a smile to Johnny’s face as he admires the way his boyfriend is really into what he is reading.

Actually, Johnny’s presence is absolutely unnecessary because Taeil is here simply to study for the Korean Medical Licensing Exam that he is preparing to take next year. If all goes well, the older male would be graduating from University of Seoul this year after six long years in the medical school. Then, he is planning to focus on his studies so that he would finally get his medical license.

Taeil is honestly one of the smartest people that Johnny knows and he admires his boyfriend greatly for his intelligence. It is an impressive feat how the older male managed to get into the medical school in University of Seoul where it only accepts the top one percent of applicants. Johnny thinks that it is amazing that Taeil’s dream is to be a surgeon. It makes his heart feel warm how his boyfriend is passionate about saving lives and dedicates his whole life to be of service to the society.

A small smile forms on Johnny’s lips as he looks at his lover who is sitting at the opposite side of the table. He insisted on coming along with him because he just wants to spend more time with his boyfriend. They were not able to go on many dates for the past few weeks as they were busy with their final exams and Johnny plans to spend as much time as he possibly could with Taeil, even if it is just by accompanying the older male as he studies.

“Stop staring at me and do something productive,” Taeil says without looking up from his textbook. It is the first time he has spoken ever since he started to bury himself in his textbook.

The taller of the two lets out a laugh at that. He watches as his boyfriend rolls his eyes good-naturedly, completely paying no heed to him. “I _am_ doing something productive,” he counters, grinning playfully.

The older male looks up from his textbook and narrows his eyes at Johnny. “How is staring at me productive, dumbass?” he scoffs in incredulity.

Johnny pretends to think about it for a moment, acting all serious, as if he is trying to come up with an answer to that question in order to start a debate. Seeing this, Taeil swats at the taller man’s arm lightly with an amused smile on his face.

“You should probably take a break, though,” Johnny says, dropping the act after a moment, as a fond smile makes its way to his lips. “You’ve been studying for the past three hours without so much as a toilet break. I think you need to rest your mind. You must be tired.”

Taeil snorts quietly at that before shaking his head. “I’m good,” he replies. “But if you’re bored, you can always go home. It’s probably really boring for you to be stuck here with nothing to do while I study.”

A pout forms on Johnny’s lips as soon as he hears the words that leave his boyfriend’s lips. He lets out an exaggerated sigh which earns him another smack to his arm. Chuckling lightly, as he does not want to disturb the other library users, Johnny leans closer towards Taeil, bringing his elbows on the table as he rests his chin on the back of his hands. “For someone smart, you sure are dense. I’m here because I want to be with you. Not alone at home where no one is around,” he says in a serious tone, trying to come off as romantic.

Taeil frowns, obviously not pleased. For a moment, Johnny wonders if he has said something wrong but the feeling disappears quickly when his lover utters, “Why would you be alone at home? Where are your housemates?”

The taller of the two sighs quietly at the question, not knowing where to start. Not wanting to explain the situation, Johnny grins mischievously instead. “You should move in with me so I wouldn’t be alone at home, then,” he says lightly in a teasing tone.

Thinking back, Johnny finds it idiotic, really, how the two of them refused to live in the same apartment when Johnny first entered the university. When he was looking for an apartment to move into, not once did he voice out loud that he wanted to live with Taeil and not once did the latter ever invite him to be his roommate. It was a mutual decision because they did not want their relationship to get in the way of their studies. Besides, they were not certain if they were ready for that kind of domestic commitment. It was way too soon.

Now, Johnny feels ready to bring their relationship to a whole new level. They are graduating and would soon venture into the workforce. It is only logical for them to start planning for their new lives together. The thing is, he feels afraid to bring the subject up with Taeil. He knows that his boyfriend is most likely not prepared for the next step in their lives and he really does not want to pressure him into something that he is not ready for. Besides, whenever Taeil wants something, he is usually vocal about it. If he does not bring up the subject, it simply means that he does not want it or has never thought of it.

“No, but really, where are your housemates?” Taeil presses, ignoring the previous statement. The frown is still visible on his face.

It is an expected reaction but Johnny feels disappointed, anyway. He tries to neutralise his face so that his disappointment will not show. Of course, Taeil is going to ignore that part. He lifts his chin from his hands and then moves his arms away from the table only to lean against his chair. “Yuta’s not home, as usual, and even if he is, Taeyong or Winwin is usually with him. Renjun hangs out with the Chinese guys from Double C these days and Mark,” he pauses for a moment. “Well, I still haven’t been able to contact Mark ever since Taeyong’s birthday party ended.”

The frown deepens on Taeil’s face. This is exactly why Johnny does not want to answer his question. It would only make his boyfriend worry, especially since no one knows where Mark is. It has been four days and yet the young man is still missing in action.

“I’d say we should look for him but I don’t even know where to start,” Taeil says quietly. The worry is evident on his face.

“He’ll come around soon. He probably just needs some space. We’ve all heard about what happened between him and Lucas at the party,” Johnny replies quietly. It is a well-known fact that Mark and Lucas hooked up a few days ago and the rumours already spread throughout the whole campus, courtesy of UOS Confessions. After much heated discussion on a video call, the Student Union of University of Seoul has decided to take down the post regarding what happened during their game.

Johnny sighs as he thinks about the discussion that took place. It was the first time everyone got worked up over something trivial. A post filled with gossip is nothing to take seriously because it is something normal in this university. Everyone is always updated with new relationships and hook-ups through UOS Confessions. Kun insisted on leaving it there because there should be no favouritism towards the popular crowd. Just because all the popular people on campus got exposed does not mean that they should bend the rules to accommodate them. Honestly, Johnny and Winwin supported that statement and even backed the older Chinese male up. It was only fair that way. All the other gossip posts were not taken down so there was no reason to remove that particular post. Besides, when they played the game, they were all fully aware of the consequences of the statements that they uttered. They might be inebriated at that point of time but they were in the right state of mind to realise that whatever they said would be heard by the audience. It was not the first time that they had played party games with spectators around.

However, Jaehyun and Jungwoo argued relentlessly that the post had induced a lot of hate comments towards Yuta. The no hate posts policy should be applied to comments too. Taeyong’s fans all bashed him for not staying with him, despite not even knowing what went down between them. He received a lot of hatred for being a cheater too. Some even went as far to speculate that he cheated on Taeyong and that was why their relationship ended. Death threats from Taeyong’s hardcore fans were what made Doyoung decide to take down the post and his decision was final. Leaving the post untouched would bring more harm than good. No one dared to argue against the president of SUUS because, although they might dislike him, it is irrefutable that he has always been a fair person and will always see things objectively. Everyone trusts him to do what is best for everyone.

Despite taking down the post, the damage has already been done. Yuta’s social media is targeted. The news of their marriage has spread throughout Taeyong’s fanbase as someone already screenshotted the post before it was removed. Taeyong even had to go live on Instagram to explain that Yuta had never cheated on him and that whatever happened back then was in the past and should not be brought up ever again. They already moved on and are best friends now and everyone should respect that instead of sending hate towards his best friend. Some fans are supportive while others not so.

It also does not help that someone posted the video of Yuta skinny-dipping in Mark’s pool at the party. Everything that happened has garnered a lot of attention on the Japanese male. There are, of course, thirsty people who left sexual comments on the post before it was taken down. Johnny still remembers how pissed off Jaehyun was and still is. It is not even about being protective over his friend, to be completely honest. It is mostly about their pride as the popular crowd. If someone dares to go against them and not be punished for it, this would certainly happen again. And again. They would eventually lose their status as the most popular and powerful people on campus. They cannot afford to let people walk all over them like that.

That is why Taeyong hired Jisung, a seventeen years old teenager that Taeyong knew from a dance club online chat, to look into it. Jisung is very talented when it comes to technology. He is an expert in it and Taeyong pays him, sometimes, to edit his videos to be posted online whenever he is too busy to do it himself. This time around, Jisung is supposed to trace the IP address of the post so that the identity of the person who posted the video online would be exposed. Johnny shudders as he thinks of what is in store for the uploader. Jaehyun is really intimidating when tested. Everyone knows not to get on his bad side.

“I know,” Taeil says, snapping Johnny out of his own thoughts back to reality. “I just can’t help but to worry. Don’t you remember what happened the last time Mark disappeared on us?”

Johnny keeps his mouth shut at that, not having a comeback for it. Of course, he remembers. It is something that he would never forget. Memories begin to play in his mind as he remembers the phone call that he received from Seoul Hospital. The panic that he felt that day was indescribable. It felt like his heart literally dropped when he was informed of how Mark almost drowned in Han River and was currently in the hospital.

It happened a few days after Lucas and Mark broke up. They knew the news from Lucas’s social media when he changed his Facebook status from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’ whereas Mark had completely disappeared from the face on earth. His social media accounts were dead and no one was able to get through to him. Of course, everyone was worried but they assumed that he only needed some time to himself and would be fine soon enough. That phone call proved everyone wrong and gave Johnny the scare of his life.

He and Taeil quickly rushed to the hospital and were relieved to find that Mark was fine. Aside from a few scratches, the young male seemed to be alright. They had never talked about it because Mark refused to say a word regarding the incident and made them swear to secrecy. No one else knows about it and everything has been going well. Until now.

It has always been Lucas who has this kind of effect on Mark. Johnny has never seen Mark this affected by anyone. He is always cheerful and inquisitive and never fails to bring laughter when everyone in their group of friends hangs out together. This side of Mark that is self-destructive scares him.

“ _I wasn’t trying to kill myself_ ,” Mark had assured them weakly when the two of them arrived at the hospital. Of course, the two lovers did not buy it. Because who the fuck _jumps into Han River in the middle of the night because he feels like it_?

Johnny sighs softly and reaches for Taeil’s hand so he could grasp it. The older of the two squeezes his hand lightly to give comfort but Johnny still feels restless. Being reminded of that incident makes him feel even more anxious about Mark’s safety. Although the young man is a sweetheart, he could be pretty unpredictable at times.

He closes his eyes and prays to the forces up above to keep Mark safe and that the Canadian male would be in touch with them as soon as possible.

As if hearing his prayers, Johnny’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out and a notification pops out, saying that he has a new message from Ten. Huh. That is unexpected. They rarely text.

 

_Come over. Mark’s been here for the past few days and I don’t know how to make him feel better, especially since he’s been locking himself in my guest room. I’ve never seen him go out from there since he arrived. Not even once. I’m worried._

 

Johnny quickly jumps up from his seat and shoots Taeil an apologetic smile. “I’ve got to go. Ten said that Mark is at his place,” he explains briefly. The older male motions for him to go. Then, Johnny presses a chaste kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek before leaving the library, wanting to reach Ten’s apartment as fast as possible.

 ***

It used to be just the four of them; Johnny, Taeyong, Yuta and Ten.

They all met back in School of Performing Arts Seoul. Since Johnny, Taeyong and Yuta are the same age, they quickly became friends during their freshman year. It was only during sophomore year that they met Ten who was a freshman at that time. It was Taeyong who got close with Ten first because he accidentally spilled his orange juice all over the youngest of the four males and then invited him to join them for lunch. Ever since then, they went everywhere together.

If anyone asks, Johnny would say that Ten was the reason why the three of them decided to take a year break before going to university. At that point of time, they did not want to be separated so it was unanimous that they would wait for the youngest male to join them. They even planned to rent a small apartment together instead of joining their seniors’ houses just so that they could have lots of fun without anyone breathing down their necks. They also wanted to major in Dance even though Johnny had a change of heart and chose History as his major instead.

The plan went down the drain when Taeyong’s parents refused to grant him the permission to move out from his house, considering the fact that his family already lives in Seoul. It would be pointless for him to move into another place, according to his parents. Perhaps, that was the reason for the downfall of their friendship. Johnny knows that it would be really petty if he says that their friendship tore apart because they did not go through with their plan of living together in university. However, he thinks that it is true and, of course, him being the witness of what went down among Taeyong, Yuta and Ten means that his opinion is valid.

Thinking about the past makes him feel nostalgic, to be completely honest. It makes his heart ache as he remembers all the good times that they spent together, the laughter that they shared and the memories that were dear to them. However, it is what it is and Johnny is unable to fix their friendship so he lets it all be.

It used to be the four of them but now Johnny feels like he has lost all of them, even though he is actually still friends with Ten though they do not flaunt their friendship to the public and is still in the same circle of friends as Yuta and Taeyong. He and Ten are no longer as close as they used to be since they do not spend much time together anymore whereas Taeyong and Yuta are really in their own world, especially since Johnny has been busy with SUUS stuff.

Johnny has never visited Ten’s apartment when the latter moved out of FS after their second year in university ended, claiming that he did not ever want to see any of their faces again with the exception of Johnny because the tall male did nothing wrong. He would like to say that the only reason is because he is busy, university and all. But the truth is that Ten has never invited him. The fact that Ten actually asked him to come over means that Mark is probably in a critical condition. Or else, he would rather die than let Johnny inside.

They are not enemies yet they are not really close friends, either. More like old friends who drifted apart simply because of their circumstances. They do hang out sometimes, once in a blue moon, when one of them randomly misses spending time together. Otherwise, they roll in different crowds and barely even talk. They follow each other on their social media accounts and would mention each other occasionally, or reply to the other’s tweets and stories. That is all there is to that. They do not run in the same circle anymore. Ten has his Chinese friends while Johnny is still by Taeyong’s side, like the loyal friend that he is.

Ten, like everyone else in University of Seoul, absolutely adores Mark. It is something that cannot be helped, to be completely honest. There is just something about the Canadian male that ignites fondness and protectiveness. Johnny honestly does not know what to feel, knowing that Ten lets _Mark_ hang out in his apartment and not him, his old friend. He does not want to get jealous but he cannot help but feel a twinge of envy inside of him. He tries his best to shut it down because the main point of this is to help Mark.

As expected, Ten’s apartment is really huge. Johnny steps inside after taking off his shoes. He looks around and sees that the living room is decorated in a classy way, as expected of Ten and his fancy taste. It is simple yet beautiful. The tiles are black in colour, causing the white furniture to stand out. The only other black thing to exist in the living room is the television. There is an L-shaped hallway on the right that, no doubt, leads towards the bedrooms while the kitchen is placed on the left side of the living room.

The Thai male is dressed in a white sweatshirt and a pair of brown shorts. He has a distressed expression on his face, obviously worried about their mutual friend. “Thanks for coming,” he utters as gratitude flashes in his eyes. Johnny simply nods his head in acknowledgement. “I don’t really know how to help Mark, honestly,” the shorter male continues. “I’ve never seen him like this before. It scares me.”

Johnny offers a sad smile in understanding. Mark has always been loud and cheerful. This would be the second time that Johnny sees him all sullen and depressed. If he has to be completely honest, he has no idea how to help the younger male too but he knows that he would give his all to, at the very least, _try_.

“I’m just surprised that you didn’t ask Kun to tell Winwin to come over instead,” Johnny replies quietly.

The Thai male shoots him a pointed look before rolling his eyes. “And have my ex’s current boyfriend inside my apartment?” he questions as his tone is laced with venom. “ _No thanks_.”

That causes the taller male to let out a snort. This side of Ten has always amused him and he is glad that his old friend has not changed much. It is not like Ten to hide what he feels, anyway. On some days, he puts the blame on Ten for ruining their friendship. On other days, he blames Yuta for falling for Ten. On rare days, he pins the blame on Taeyong for not being able to deal with it maturely. However, it is what it is. All three of them are at fault in one way or another. Johnny is simply a collateral damage.

“You met said ex at Starbucks the other day,” Johnny chooses to comment instead, raising his eyebrow. He remembers it vividly the surprise that he felt as soon as he saw Yuta and Ten at the back of the café, when he was out on a date with Taeil. He even considered telling Taeyong about it or confronting Yuta but he figured that it was none of his business. Curiosity gets the best of him, though.

Ten averts his eyes away, a tell-tale sign that he does not want to talk about it. “Yeah, he asked to meet up,” he replies. Then, he changes the topic, “Come on, I need your help with Mark.”

Johnny opens his mouth to press further on the topic. Seeing how uncomfortable Ten is with the conversation changes his mind, though. It is funny, really, how the three of them have always kept their problems to themselves, never letting anyone else in. The only reason Johnny knows about what happened is because he was the one who helped Taeyong go through his heartbreak.

It used to be the four of them but the three of them went ahead to make a complicated love triangle by themselves and Johnny cannot help but resent them a little bit for dragging him into their mess. He lost all three of them because of their messy feelings.

The Thai male walks ahead and leads Johnny to where the bedrooms are. There are three rooms in total. The first room that they pass by is where Johnny assumes that Ten does his assignments in as he briefly sees a study table inside. The other two rooms have their doors closed. Ten stops right in front of the second room before he fishes out his keys from his pocket.

Johnny simply watches as the shorter male inserts the key before twisting the doorknob to open the door, revealing the second room in the apartment. The room is completely dark as the blinds are closed and no sunlight is able to enter. A large king-sized bed is placed right in the middle of the room and a lump can be seen under the blanket. The air-conditioner is switched on full blast, causing Johnny to shiver slightly as soon as he takes a step inside the room.

He approaches the bed tentatively as concern fills him. Has Mark been staying like this for the past few days? He hears footsteps moving away from the bedroom, indicating that Ten has left the two of them alone for privacy.

“Mark?” he whispers softly as he sits on the side of the bed. The lump under the blanket does not move. Johnny swallows as worry begins to etch itself inside his mind. He reaches out to pull the blanket away slowly. Mark lies down underneath the blanket in a curled-up position with an arm over his face. His breathing is slow and steady and Johnny heaves a sigh of relief to see that the younger male is physically fine. Emotionally is probably a different story.

Instead of waking him up, Johnny stands up from the bed to switch off the air-conditioner. Then, he opens the blinds, letting streaks of sunlight enter the room, finally giving some illumination to the dark room. It is the warmth of the sudden sunlight that wakes the Canadian male up. Johnny watches as he blinks his eyes open blankly. Exhaustion is evident on his face and his eyes are swollen, probably from too much crying.

“J-Johnny?” Mark croaks out. His voice is hoarse due to the lack of use and Johnny feels his own heart ache in his ribs.

The bed dips when the older male goes back to sit down on the side of it once again. Mark looks so small and weak in his current state and Johnny wishes that he knows what to do in order to make the younger male smile again.

“When was the last time you’ve eaten?” he asks tentatively as he reaches out to caress the younger male’s hair, trying to give comfort.

Mark blinks. “I don’t remember,” he replies. “How long has it been since the party?”

“Four days.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny responds, not knowing what else to say.

Distress flashes in the Canadian male’s eyes. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he says as his voice rises with panic. “That means I missed the first three dance practices for our competition. Not to mention that I totally missed the first meeting for the planning of our annual summer party. Fuck.”

Mark tries to sit up on the bed but the sudden movement seems to cause him dizziness because the next thing Johnny knows is that the younger male is lying down once again and moaning in pain. The lack of nutrition has finally caught up with him.

“Don’t even try to get up,” Johnny warns, wagging his index finger in front of the younger male’s face. Mark looks up at him almost defiantly. “Don’t worry about the dance practice. Taeyong, Yuta and Winwin told everyone that you’ve been sick for the past few days. For the annual summer party, Doyoung has assigned Jungwoo to take over instead. The party committee understands that you’ve been busy.”

Instead of reassurance, it has the opposite effect. Mark’s face crumples up and tears rush down his cheeks as soon as he hears that. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to disappear. I just. I don’t know. I have no excuse.”

Johnny lays a hand on the younger male’s shoulder and hushes him. “No, no. It wasn’t your fault, Mark. We understand,” he says softly.

However, the words do not have the effect intended. Sobs continue to wreck throughout the Canadian’s male body as he covers his face to hide the tears from view shamefully. Johnny’s heart aches, hating how broken Mark is. This is not like him. It is probably everything that has been piling up that causes this emotional breakdown.

“I hurt Lucas,” Mark whispers softly, bringing the Chinese male up all of a sudden. His voice is muffled as it is covered by his hands but it is still audible to the taller male’s ears. “Saw the look on his face when I told him that we could never hook up again, that this whole thing was a mistake, that we never should’ve done this. He looked _so_ –” Mark’s voice breaks. A pause ensues as the sobs gradually come to a stop. His body is still shaking but the crying has ended. Johnny does not know if it is a good thing, though.

“He looked so broken,” Mark says softly as he raises his head up from his hands. His eyes are red and puffy. “He looked like the world just ended for him.”

Johnny lets out a soft sigh. “He’ll be fine,” the older male assures.

“I know,” Mark answers with conviction. “ _I_ won’t.”

“Mark–”

“My parents told me to drop Dance as my second major and go for Econ instead,” the Canadian male interrupts quickly, not giving Johnny the chance to say anything that could possibly console him. “I hate this. I hate everything. I just want to be my own person. I just want to do things that would make me happy. _Xuxi_ made me happy.”

The older male squeezes Mark’s shoulder lightly. He opens his mouth to tell him what is on his mind currently but then he thinks better of it so, he closes it once again. Telling someone who is having an emotional breakdown to grow up is probably not the wisest thing to do. It will not help the situation at all. Let Mark pour all of his feelings out and when he is finally ready to hear the things that he needs to hear, Johnny would say it.

As for now, he simply lends a listening ear as the younger male continues to vent out all of his feelings; the grief, frustration, bitterness, helplessness and sadness.

 ***

“I’m calling Jaehyun over,” Johnny tells Ten as soon as he leaves the room and walks into the living room to see the shorter male sitting on his sofa with his phone in hand. It took about half an hour to get Mark to finally calm down and the youngest male in the apartment is currently asleep, lethargic from the breakdown he had.

The Thai male does not look pleased when he hears what Johnny has said. He looks up from his phone and crosses his arms over his chest. “Why?” he demands.

Johnny shoots him a pained look, signalling him not to fight him on this. “You and I both can’t cook for shit. Mark needs homemade food right now to give him comfort,” he replies. “It’s either Taeyong or Jaehyun. I’m pretty sure you don’t want _Taeyong_ in your apartment, Ten.”

Instead of backing off, Ten stares into Johnny’s eyes challengingly. “Yeah, well, I don’t want Jaehyun in my house, either,” he snaps, placing his phone on the table in front of him.

“Alright, then. Let’s burn down your kitchen together while we whip up a meal for Mark,” the taller male says sarcastically as he leans against the wall of the apartment.

“I can call Kun over,” Ten says, rolling his eyes at Johnny’s previous statement, obviously not amused by it.

Johnny’s face hardens at that. “No,” he says firmly as he walks closer towards the sofa.

“Why not? Kun knows how to cook and I don’t mind if he comes over because, news flash, this is _my_ apartment, after all,” the Thai male argues relentlessly.

The taller of the two lets out a sigh. “Kun’s not a part of _our_ crowd,” he quips tersely. “I don’t trust him.”

Ten’s face morphs into disbelief when the words tumble out of Johnny’s lips. The Thai male’s eyebrows creases, obviously triggered by the statement. “Well, you know what?” he raises his voice as he stands up from the sofa, probably too riled up to be sitting down. “Mark came _here_ , to _me_ , of all people, because he _trusts_ me. He didn’t come to _you,_ or _Jaehyun,_ or _anyone else_ from the popular crowd.”

“He came to you because he knew that you wouldn’t be all over him like an overbearing parent. He came to you because he knew you would give him the space that he needed,” Johnny responds in a matter-of-fact tone.

The Thai male’s anger seems to dissipate at that. He slumps down sullenly on the sofa once again, as all fight has left him. For a moment, he does not say anything. “Fine,” he says, after a moment of silence. “I’m calling Doyoung instead.”

“ _Doyoung?_ ” Johnny questions incredulously.

“I don’t want Jaehyun in my house and you don’t trust Kun. We’re coming to a compromise by calling Doyoung over instead because I can tolerate his presence and you, whether you admit it or not, trust him in a way.”

Johnny keeps quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say. He thinks of Mark and how the younger male is not in a good place right now. Mark needs someone who cares for him genuinely and not because of his popularity. All of the popular crowd would die for him but Johnny knows that Mark would not want any of them to see him when he is vulnerable. The Canadian male would probably not want any of Lucas’s housemates to know about his emotional breakdown too.

The president of SUUS does not belong to either one of the cliques. However, Johnny knows that Mark is quite close with Doyoung. He has seen them hang out together at times outside of SUUS business, which is a huge wonder to many people because Doyoung usually hates to be around people.

“Alright,” the older male finally agrees, praying that getting the president of SUUS involved in their shit is a wise decision.

The question is, does a _nerd_ like Kim Doyoung want to get involved in this?

 

 


End file.
